Saturday, December 20, 2008

What Wrong With Black Love

by Dr. Boyce Watkins

People sometimes wonder why I don't talk much about my love life. Well, beyond the fact that it would probably bore you, I'll admit that there are some tricky and sensitive issues that might come up. But in case you're wondering, I am not single because I am gay (not that there is something wrong with gay people, I'm just not one of them). I am not married because I take marriage very seriously and realized that my work in the black community would put a family in harm's way. I never thought that Malcolm or Martin should have gotten married either, since I'd never forgive myself if my wife and children were killed or left homeless because of something I've done. The first thing your enemies do when they want to undermine you is to go after your family and/or your source of income. Just ask Bill O'Reilly.

At any rate, I have some friends who are still single, and I listen to them explain why they can't find what they are looking for. For some, it's the "blame the world" strategy - "Black men can't handle an intelligent black woman", or "I'm just too nice and men are dogs"....blah blah blah. On the flip side, I've heard Black men say things about Black women that are simply untrue. Personally, I have no trouble finding great Black women, especially when I learned to look at the spirit and mind along with the body and face. I know many gorgeous women who might have stunned me 10 years ago, but wouldn't get the time of day from me now.

One thing that some of us are missing is the kind of introspection necessary to realize that YOU are the only person who is always present in your relationships. I have a friend who is a drop dead gorgeous college professor and fully convinced that it's never her fault that her relationships are falling apart. All the while, I've seen that same friend walk toward the jerks and away from the guys who might treat her with respect. At the end of the day, she will always be confused, because she only chooses to give her love to those who deserve it the least.

This journey of learning to love yourself enough to know how to give love and receive it properly is a long one. I've personally traveled much of that journey myself. Although I didn't marry my ex-fiance, I was proud of that relationship. The great time we spent together was a reflection of how I'd grown to be able to give the right kind of love and also demand the right kind of love in return. She strengthened my belief in God, for I truly saw her as an angel on earth.

Like most of you, I have experienced the ups and downs of relationships (ho-hum), and all the bliss and pain that comes with it. I've dealt with baby-mama drama, as the one great mistake I made in life was to have a child at a young age with the wrong person. I will pay for that mistake for the rest of my life, although I worked like hell to try to fix it. I fight for father's rights because unlike the confusing speech given by Barack Obama this year on Father's Day, I unconditionally reject the idea that Black relationships don't work solely because Black men are irresponsible buffoons who don't want to be good parents. I tried like hell to be in my own daughter's life, even though I was consistently rejected from it, and I've gotten emails from hundreds of other fathers who feel the same way. At the end of the day, relationships last when both partners make it work, and children are healthiest when both parents understand the importance of having both the mother and the father in the life of the child. You can't blame the opposite sex for everything. That goes for both men and matter how bitter you may be.

Finally, I believe in black love, and I consider black women to be the most beautiful women on the planet. So, if you ever hear of me getting married, it will most likely be to a Black woman. But if you were to ask me about the breakdown of the black family and black relationships, I would say that it takes two to tango. If your relationships are not working out, relieving yourself of all blame is not only going to confuse you, it is also incredibly irresponsible.

At any rate, the article is below...enjoy!

He's not dumping you because ...

Writing about dating is my full-time job, so, naturally, I hear a lot of pretty deranged tales of love gone wrong. But last week I received a letter from a woman who was convinced that men wouldn’t go out with her because she was just too … beautiful.

He's not dumping you because ...

She fully believed her breathtaking attractiveness was anything but a man-magnet — as one might expect. Instead, she said, her beauty acted as a Romeo-repellant, causing suitors to run screaming from her. Obviously, I explained the situation to her (perhaps it wasn’t her gorgeous outsides, but her narcissistic insides that were doing the damage), but it did get me to thinking about all the other ridiculous reasons that women — myself included — come up with when they get dumped.

Along with being too beautiful, here are a few other qualities I guarantee nobody will ever break your heart over:Too smart: I once had a friend who was convinced she couldn’t keep a boyfriend because she was too smart for the male population. She was positive her staggering intellect was turning them off. Uh, no. What drove the men away (and most of her female friends, as well) was the fact that she was mean. We’re talking stupendously cruel. Her definition of smart translated into cutting people down until they felt like the smallest person on earth. Not exactly a turn-on, no matter how cleverly it’s worded.Click to read.

Friday, December 12, 2008

A Chance at Black Love - by Lisa

Sandy and Chance met during their junior year at USC. During their time in college, they ran with different crowds. Chance was a jock, with a chip on his shoulder. At 6’3” and 253 lbs, this all muscle dark-brown Adonis was a force to be reckoned with. He was headed to the NFL and nothing would stop him. With that said, he knew that he should also get a college degree. On the off chance that something happened, he wanted a back-up plan and a degree in architecture was the answer that he chose. Although he played football for the love of the sport, the women that chased him was the biggest reason that he took the physical beatings on the field. There was no woman of any nationality that could resist his looks, charm and desirability.

On the other hand, Sandy was a quiet bookworm with few friends. You normally could find this Nia Long look-a-like sitting somewhere alone studying or reading a book. Although she was one of the most beautiful women that walked the campus, she kept to herself. She didn’t have the time or the patience for idiocy. It was a miracle that their paths had ever crossed, but it was meant to be.

Sandy happened to be working at the campus library on the Saturday morning that Chance strolled in. It was not his M.O. to be in such a setting, but with finals coming up, he knew that the apartment that he shared with his buddies was not conducive to real studying. He did pride himself on being an intelligent athlete. He was looking for a book on 18th century architecture and Sandy was the only one to help him. As he approached the desk at which she was sitting, Sandy’s heart nearly jumped out of her chest. His face was flawless. He had a slight slant in his dark brown eyes that made him look exotic; lickable lips; long powerful legs and a chest so dark and hard that it must have been made of raw mahogany wood. Sandy had never seen any man so beautiful in her life. She wanted to run out of the room as he got closer and closer.

“Go away, go away”, she thought to herself.

Click to read more.