I was supposed to get married last year, but my fiance called off the wedding weeks before the ceremony. He said that I was not passionate enough, but he refuses to leave, constantly telling me what I don't do and what I can't do and what I won't do. There is so much animosity between us that I don't think we could ever get past it. Do you have any suggestions on how we could make it work or if it is even worth it?
Nikki
Calling off the wedding the month you are supposed to get married is a sign that your fiance was not ready, and he is now blaming his uncertainty on you. Pointing the finger at your spouse is a surefire way to create division and animosity in a relationship. These are all tactics used to push a person away, and it seems that your fiance has no intention of truly saving the relationship. His decision to stay in a mini-marriage and not be married, all the while verbally and emotionally abusing you, sounds like he wants you to end the relationship so that he will not be responsible for its failure. If you want to heal this relationship, you will need a relationship couples coach, and if you decide to end it, I would recommend that you work with a coach to heal the wounds created by all of this emotional turmoil. In the meantime, ask him what his true fears are concerning marriage. Any emotionally stable person knows that you cannot change your partner; you can only change yourself. Taking responsibility for his role in the type of relationship he helped to create would have been the empowering way to address this situation. He could have chosen to approach you differently and been open to sharing his needs for passion and other forms of intimacy with you instead of laying the blame on you for his own cold feet.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Luv Coach Advice: Marriage Called Off
Friday, August 21, 2009
KIM AND REGGIE ARE BACK TOGETHER
It's official!! Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush are back together.
What happened? Well word is that Kim was putting some SERIOUS pressure on Reggie to get married.
But now, according to a TRUSTED source, she's decided to take a step back, give Reggie some space and "play her position." [that's an exact quote]
Gee … wonder what that position is - bench warmer???
TYRESE DIVORCE IS FINAL!!!
learned that Tyrese's divorce to Norma Gibson is officially completed. And here are the details of the arrangement:
Tyrese and Norma share custody of their daughter, Shayla, but Tyrese pays $6,230 a month in child support Tyrese buys Norma her Range Rover (when the lease is up) Norma gets to keep all the jewelry and gifts that Tyrese bought her during the marriage Tyrese pays a one time - lump payment of $42,500 Tyrese pays for all attorney fees (both his and Norma's)
You see Nas ... this is what a settlement is supposed to look like!!!
ASHANTI LEAVES NELLY
People have been telling Ashanti for years about rapper Nelly and his jump offs. Well now his longtime girlfriend Ashanti has had enough. According to the NY Daily News, she broke it off.
Here’s what they’re saying:
IT'S OVER BETWEEN NELLY AND ASHANTI. An insider claims the two split because Ashanti was ready to settle down, while her beau wanted to sow his wild oats. Sure enough, the "Hot in Herre" rapper has been squiring video vixen Jessica Rabbit around Las Vegas and Miami.
Sorry 'Shanti ... it's a shame you ain't drop him sooner. You let that man take up most of your good years ...
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
KELLY CAN’T FIND TRUE LOVE, AND SHE BLAMES HER DAD
Kelly Rowland blames her tumultuous relationship with her alcoholic father for her unsuccessful lovelife.
The former Destiny's Child singer was engaged to American footballer Roy Williams, but called off the wedding just months after she accepted his proposal in 2005 - and has been looking for true love ever since.
She insists there's a link between her estrangement from her father Christopher - who she and her mother fled from in her youth - and her pursuit of the wrong type of men.
Financial Lovemaking 101: What do Sex and Money Have in common?
by Dr. Boyce Watkins, Syracuse University
Some people think that money and sex have nothing in common. Actually, they have everything in common. The act of merging your assets with another person's can be an exhilirating process leading to the high of a lifetime, or it can be a devastating and emotionally crippling experience.
In a series of articles, I plan to lay out some examples that explain what sex and money have in common. Follow along, so that you can avoid the mistakes that are made by milions of people every single year.
Sex and Money Comparison Number 1: You could actually get the job done by yourself if you wanted to
No one says that you have to merge your money or your body with another person's. There is a word we use to describe when someone takes care of his/her own physical needs, and I am not going to say it here. If you are not sure what the word is, then ask your mother, your boyfriend or your priest.
Just as you can take care of your physical needs yourself, the same is true of your financial needs. There's an old saying "I can be broke all by myself." Thus, the choice to merge finances with another human being is not a choice we have to make. Merging assets with another person is also not a decision that should be taken lightly. It's a decision you make only if you see potential benefits from the interaction.
How do you know he’s cheating?
He’s superprotective of his gadgets. “The main way that trysts are found out is through the discovery of incriminating e-mails, IM chats, cell phone texts or bills,” says Belisa Vranich, PsyD, a clinical psychologist in New York City. So if he’s being unfaithful, he may guard his gadgets or act really defensive when you innocently touch his phone or computer. It should be a giant red flag if he readily gave you passwords in the past, and now he’s more evasive.
2. He steps up the grooming. “This is so obvious, but it’s a sign many women miss: If your man starts grooming down there without you requesting it, that could be an indication that he’s spending more time naked,” says Vranich. You can actually thank porn for this tipoff. Guys today are used to viewing manscaped dudes onscreen, so if he has another chick to impress with his sexual prowess, he may emulate those ultra-trimmed guys. Another clue: He’s spending more time at the gym.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Your Black News: Taraji Tells Brothers to “Man Up”
Taraji P. Henson is single and trying to mingle, but has some standards when it comes to dating.
“Most men are fragile,” the “Curious Case of Benjamin Button” star says in September's Men's Fitness magazine in a story that features some sizzling photos of Henson. “I’m a successful woman, in the public eye, and raising a kid by myself. It can leave guys feeling like, ‘Damn, how can I have a chance?’”
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Black Love - Luv Coach asks: He’s Still Married?
I am a college student, and I have been in a long-distance relationship for three years with a man who is 11 years older. We met online, grew to be best friends and have been through a lot together. Recently, our relationship suffered a major blow when I was told by his godmother that he was still legally married to his last wife. I confronted him and ended up speaking with the wife. Eventually, we broke things off, and he got divorced, which was confirmed by the county clerk. Since then, we have been trying to rebuild, but I no longer trust him, and I believe it is make us both miserable. Moreover, my insecurities are making him going out of his way to show evidence of his honesty in even the smallest of things. I love this man, and we have overcome racial differences, an age gap and distance, so I know our potential. However, I don't feel that I can ever trust him again after this. Is it possible for us to recover from this?
Anonymous, 21, Seattle
Friday, August 14, 2009
Professional Black Women Finding Husbands
By Brian Alexander
msnbc.com contributor
updated 8:31 a.m. ET, Thurs., Aug 13, 2009
Brian Alexander
Michelle Obama may have become an archetypal African-American female success story — law career, strong marriage, happy children — but the reality is often very different for other highly educated black women.
They face a series of challenges in navigating education, career, marriage and child-bearing, dilemmas that often leave them single and childless even when they’d prefer marriage and family, according to a research study recently presented at the American Sociological Society’s annual meeting in San Francisco.
Yale researchers Natalie Nitsche and Hannah Brueckner argued that “marriage chances for highly educated black women have declined over time relative to white women.” Women of both races with postgraduate educations “face particularly hard choices between career and motherhood,” they said, “but especially in the absence of a reliable partner.”
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Sunday, August 9, 2009
So, they really don’t have any money huh?
Popular women's site Jezebel has amassed in one place evidence that confirms what we always suspected. Most of the women appearing on 'The Real Housewives of Atlanta' are hardly the rich women they pretend to be. Far from being pampered princesses without a care, NeNe, Kim, Lisa and Sheree are plagued with financial, family and relationship problems just like everybody else. Perhaps this makes for great reality television, because if these ladies were truly elite, they might not be as fun to watch.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Dr Boyce: Tiny, Toya, Weezy and Tip: What Do Black Women Give up for the Cheddar?
by Dr. Boyce Watkins, Syracuse University
OK, was I confused when I found out that Tiny and Toya (TI's "baby mama" and Lil Wayne's ex-wife, respectively) were being given a reality show on BET? Yeah, I was a little surprised. If only I could find a way to become a high profile baby mama -- that seems to be the way to go. With my being a man, I guess that might be difficult to accomplish. All jokes aside, I watched this show with tremendous curiosity, as I think we can all learn from observing the thought patterns of those who live behind the scenes of our favorite celebs. Part of me feels sorry for both of these women, who seem to be desperately fighting their way out of the massive shadows being cast by the powerful men in their lives. Even the daughters of TI and Lil Weezy are trying to get their own reality show. Maybe they too are feeling the weight of their daddies' collective fame. Why don't we just give a reality show to the family dog? Now that would be hot!
Your Love: The Benefits of Being Bridezilla
Yep, I'm guilty. I admit it. I have indulged in one of my (many) guilty pleasures, 'Bridezillas,' a few times. Now, don't even try acting all bourgeois, because you know you have, too. And even though we sit back and wonder what man in his right mind would marry one of these crazed chicks, with their "I'm all that" attitudes and ridiculous demands for cerulean – not blue – centerpieces, there's a thing or two we can learn from them even before we find the proverbial "one."
1. Be a S.N.O.B.
Opt to settle for nothing other than the best when it comes to matters of your heart. Don't worry, that doesn't entail being a pompous, arrogant b&^%$. Instead, it means knowing precisely what you require in a mate and sticking to that ideal. But knowing is half the battle, yes? That brings us to point two.
2. List Your Demands
Mariah and Rihanna list their demands at every one of their shows in the form of a "concert rider"-- agreements that each show promoter must adhere to. Guess what? Beyonce ain't the only diva around. Here's what you do: Pull out a piece of paper, grab a pen and write down every single thing you want and need in your soon-to-be-found husband (even if you think it's facetious. FYI: It's perfectly okay to list attractiveness as a requirement). List them out numerically. There doesn't have to be a specific order, just get them on paper. Also, there's no limit, so write to your heart's content. Next, put stars next to those you deem to be of utmost importance (i.e., compassion for your feelings might be starred, while a required height of 6-foot-3 won't be quite as pressing). Notice how many are starred versus those that aren't. The starred ones are must-haves; the unstarred ones are the nice-to-haves. Put it in your wallet and carry it everywhere you go.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Love Gone Bad: Women Face Charges for Revenge
Wow: Three women are facing charges after conspiring with his wife to lure him to a hotel room and kidnapping him. Oh yeah, they put crazy glue on his “sensitive body parts.” Damn
A new plan to focuses on the adoption of African-American children
Rosemary Armstrong fondly recalls the first time she met her daughter Micayla, then 2, at her foster home.
The African-American toddler screamed when the caseworker tried to pick her up, but she happily sat on Armstrong's lap and smiled.
Micayla didn't talk at all to most people, but during their second meeting, she started communicating: "It was 'Mommy' and 'Daddy' from day one," Armstrong says. "It was so fast."
Armstrong and her husband, Terry, also African-American , decided to adopt from foster care after discovering they could not have a child biologically.
They met Micayla in April 2008, and her adoption was final in February 2009. Micayla, who turned 4 on Monday, bonded quickly with their two other children, Armstrong's son, Jaiere, 7, and goddaughter Alexis, 14.
'A perfect parent'
While blacks account for 15% of U.S. children, they make up 32% of the 510,000 kids in foster care, according to a May 2008 report by the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, a private research group. The report is based on 2006 data, the latest available. It shows that black children in foster care, especially older ones, are less likely than white ones to be adopted.
To help deal with that imbalance, a federally funded ad campaign is to be unveiled today. It is aimed at encouraging blacks to adopt from the foster care system. The ads will appear this fall on radio, TV and in newspapers.
"They're long overdue," says Adam Pertman, executive director of the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute.
A 1994 federal law, the Multiethnic Placement Act, prohibits denying or delaying an adoption because of race but requires "diligent" efforts to recruit parents of the same race.
The new ads, developed by the Advertising Council, are part of a series that began in 2002 to promote adoption from foster care. The ads, like prior ones, are humorous and carry the same tagline: "You don't have to be perfect to be a perfect parent."
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Letting Go in a Relationship
After a break-up with with your spouse, significant other or love of your life, you might try to remain friends with your ex, slowly cut off contact, or torch every last relic of the relationship.
But one thing is inevitable: Eventually you have to move on. So why is it that some people have a hard time letting go, months or even years after ending a relationship? Although it's natural to mourn the loss of a relationship, some people take such feelings too far.
One example at the extreme end of the spectrum, is Lisa Nowak. The former NASA astronaut and married mother of three was accused earlier this year of trying to kidnap the woman who was dating Nowak's former lover, Navy Cmdr. Bill Oefelein.
Nowak -- who is awaiting trial -- pleaded not guilty to attempted kidnapping, battery and assault, and the defense has filed notice of intent to claim temporary insanity by citing obsessive-compulsive disorder, depression, insomnia and a brief psychotic disorder.
