Lola Adesioye: Are Black Women Victims of a Bad Dating Situation?

by Lola Adesioye, Huffington Post

Over the past few months, black women and their relationships - or should I say, lack thereof - have been getting a lot of attention. The Washington Posthas done a couple of features on it. Then ABC'sNightline did a show asking why there are so many single black women.

All of a sudden the mainstream media is taking a keen interest in our love lives. We are being told that there is a 'crisis' amongst black women, particularly educated professional women, who are apparently unable to find a 'decent' black man.

Last night, ABC continued once again, with the airing of "Why Can't a Successful Black Woman Find a Man?," a taped discussion featuring Hill Harper, Steve Harvey, The View's Sherri Shepherd and others.

There's no doubt that it's a topic that sparks heated debates and discussions amongst black women and men. It has for years. But is it really that bad? Or is the media - now that it has found a hot topic - exploiting this issue for all that it's worth? I'm an educated black woman and I personally have no problem with meeting eligible, educated, great black men. Whether or not I choose to date them is another thing, but they are out there.

I am somewhat perturbed by the slew of stories on this topic. They are negative, unhelpful and only serve to perpetuate negative ideas about black men and women which often become self-fullfiling. They basically say 'oh, poor black women. They try so hard yet can't find a decent man ... Boo hoo, black women are victims. Ooh, it's all the fault of those pathetic black men. You know, they have no education or are locked up in jail.' Sorry, but I do not subscribe to that view.

 

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Syracuse Professor Boyce Watkins speaks on ABC News about Love and Money

by Dr. Boyce Watkins, Finance Professor - Syracuse University

As a Finance Professor, I find it incredibly ironic that many people get married without talking about money. They talk about every kind of compatibility from emotional, to spiritual, sexual, and professional, but they seldom take the time necessary to ensure that they can tolerate the idea of sharing their financial life with a person who may not be on the same page. This problem is compounded in black relationships, where many women describe economic hurdles as one of the reasons that black women have trouble finding the right mate.

 

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How do you Protect Your Children? What’s Over the top?

by Dr. Boyce Watkins, Syracuse University, AOL Black Voices 

I have daughters and I love them all. They are all at "that age," between 16 and 20, where they tend to love the boys that you want to beat down the most. Every time I hear them express their undying love for Lil Wayne, I can only think about him having 3 women pregnant at the same time. When I see a Chris Brown poster in their room, I remind them that Chris was accused of having boxing practice on Rihanna's face.

But as a father, you can't protect your daughters from themselves. Some things they have to learn on their own. And if sleeping with a pants-saggin, "purple stuff dranking," gold grill wearing, 10,000 tattoo having buffoon is the way they need to learn their lessons, you just kinda have to deal with it.I empathize with Wade Edwards, the man accused of shooting a boy for sleeping with his step daughter. Wade shot the boy four times, aiming for the "relevant zone" with each bullet. But while I can understand Wade's anger, I do not, for one second, condone his actions.

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Black Love, Black Divorce: Cheaper to Keep Her (or Him)

I just saw an article today on "How to Leave Your Husband". The article focuses on how women can have a financially fit divorce. I find it amazing that we have gotten to the point that these are the kinds of articles that appear on the front pages of major media outlets. This speaks well to the state of love in America.

The article also seems to imply that beyond the 50% of all Americans who end up in divorce, there are many others who would be divorced if only they could find a way to get it done efficiently. Since when did the bliss of love make us so unhappy?

When I wrote Financial Lovemaking 101, one of the objectives I had in this book was to teach couples how to be jointly responsible when it comes to money. The truth of the matter is that being financially smart and responsible also increases your ability to be financially independent. Therefore, one might conclude that if you end up as one of the millions of Americans who chooses divorce, you might be able to erase your mistake without destroying your bank account.

I once counseled a couple that was nearing retirement. The couple had modest resources, but the wife was quite determined. Over a period of 10 years, she worked overtime and saved her butt off to pay off the family's credit card debt. She also looked into retirement plans on her job, putting thousands into a 401k plan to prepare for the family's golden years. Her husband had other plans. Without his wife's knowledge, he maxed out all the credit cards to start a business. He then withdrew all of the family funds from the retirement plan. The business failed, and his wife was in tears. She wanted to leave her husband, but she was financially drained. What's worse is that staying with her spouse would not have made her any more financially secure.

The reality is that money and love are linked in ways that we never envisioned on that first date. A person's beauty, body shape, and quality of sex become secondary to how well they pay the mortgage and put food on the table. Then, when we find that the love is gone and we want to move on, money becomes the barrier between freedom and misery. Planning ahead financially can be the way to plan your escape route, if that is what you choose to do.

The irony of it all, however, is that being financially intelligent and responsible reduces one major source of conflict in your marriage. It also allows you to make a stronger contribution to the overall well-being of your family. Therefore, by being financially intelligent and independent, you are more likely to have a successful marriage. Kind of paradoxical, don't you think?

I don't judge those who get divorced, never get married or are trying to get divorced. I only say that whatever you do, make sure you do it right. Your love depends on it, and so does your LIFE.