Should Black Women Keep a List for Dating Choices?

A black woman put a list of her dating requirements on my facebook page as part of a broader conversation some were having about black relationships and why they don't work.  I wonder what others think about this list and whether or not it's healthy to have a list like this in your quest for true love.  Here is the list:

 

I don't date men in jail
I don't date men with children
I don't date men who don't have a job
I don't date men who  are not career oriented
I don't date men who have a criminal history (it's called a background check and I highly recommend it)
I don't date men who carry guns
I don't date men who abuse drugs
I don't date men who are verbally or physically abusive to anything OR anyone
I don't date men who borrow money
I don't date men who reject education
I don't date men who can't cook and clean
I don't date men who can't cry
I don't date men who disrespect their mothers
I don't date men who worship their mothers
I don't date men who are still in love with his ex
I don't date men who are married
I don't date men who are separated
I don't date men who are legally separated
I don't date men in open relationships
I don't date men who have girlfriends
I don't date men who have a girlfriend
I don't date men who brag about taking care of their kids
I don't date men who don't take care of their kids
I don't date men who don't know how to get rid of an ex-girlfriend
I don't date men who are disrespectful to their ex-wives
I don't date men who refuse to take an AIDS test

Lola Adesioye: Are Black Women Victims of a Bad Dating Situation?

by Lola Adesioye, Huffington Post

Over the past few months, black women and their relationships - or should I say, lack thereof - have been getting a lot of attention. The Washington Posthas done a couple of features on it. Then ABC'sNightline did a show asking why there are so many single black women.

All of a sudden the mainstream media is taking a keen interest in our love lives. We are being told that there is a 'crisis' amongst black women, particularly educated professional women, who are apparently unable to find a 'decent' black man.

Last night, ABC continued once again, with the airing of "Why Can't a Successful Black Woman Find a Man?," a taped discussion featuring Hill Harper, Steve Harvey, The View's Sherri Shepherd and others.

There's no doubt that it's a topic that sparks heated debates and discussions amongst black women and men. It has for years. But is it really that bad? Or is the media - now that it has found a hot topic - exploiting this issue for all that it's worth? I'm an educated black woman and I personally have no problem with meeting eligible, educated, great black men. Whether or not I choose to date them is another thing, but they are out there.

I am somewhat perturbed by the slew of stories on this topic. They are negative, unhelpful and only serve to perpetuate negative ideas about black men and women which often become self-fullfiling. They basically say 'oh, poor black women. They try so hard yet can't find a decent man ... Boo hoo, black women are victims. Ooh, it's all the fault of those pathetic black men. You know, they have no education or are locked up in jail.' Sorry, but I do not subscribe to that view.

 

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Syracuse Professor Boyce Watkins speaks on ABC News about Love and Money

by Dr. Boyce Watkins, Finance Professor - Syracuse University

As a Finance Professor, I find it incredibly ironic that many people get married without talking about money. They talk about every kind of compatibility from emotional, to spiritual, sexual, and professional, but they seldom take the time necessary to ensure that they can tolerate the idea of sharing their financial life with a person who may not be on the same page. This problem is compounded in black relationships, where many women describe economic hurdles as one of the reasons that black women have trouble finding the right mate.

 

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Your Black World: Anita Baker Almost Goes to Jail

by Dr. Boyce Watkins 

Singing great Anita Baker barely missed going to jail Friday in a dispute with her ex-husband over music royalties. The 52-year old Baker found herself in a heated battle with Walter Bridgforth, her ex-husband, over the details of their divorce settlement.
"I'm so happy. ... I have never been in such a position before," Baker said in the hallway outside court. "And we don't intend to ever be in such a position ever again. I just wanna go home,and I'm happy to go home. ... As horrific as it could have been, it was lovely to feel supported, though, on the other end."
Baker was faced with a deadline Wednesday to sign documents that empower court-appointed music contract expert Howard Hertz to obtain information from record labels regarding how much Baker owed her ex-husband. The deadline passed and Baker still had not signed. This led to the Wayne County Chief Family Court Judge Lita Masini Popke ordering Baker to either show up in court on Friday or go to jail.

Click to read.

News: Charlie Murphy’s Wife Loses Her Battle with Cancer

From AOL Black Voices 

This statement was released by the publicist for Charlie Murphy, brother of Eddie Murphy:

“Tisha Taylor Murphy, wife of comedian and actor Charlie Murphy, passed away peacefully on Sunday, with family at her side after facing the challenges of cancer for the past two years. The Murphy Family appreciates all the support they have received from friends and fans and requests privacy during this very difficult time.”

Your Black Love: Towanna Freeman on Domestic Violence

One in every four women will experience domestic abuse in her lifetime, women 20 to 24 are at the greatest risk, and most cases of domestic abuse are never reported to the police. Victims of domestic abuse often feel as though no one will believe them, or they think they have nowhere to go for help. Domestic abuse is a pattern of behaviors used to control and dominate someone.  Domestic abuse comes in many forms; the most common includes criminal behavior such as physical assault, sexual abuse, and stalking, as well as noncriminal behavior including emotional and psychological abuse.  An abuser can be a spouse, former spouse, or any other person who is a present or former household member.

The following are a few red flags that should be taken seriously:  jealousy, isolation, threats of violence, verbal abuse, controlling behavior, does not respect privacy, and disrespects others.  If someone you know demonstrates one or more of these characteristics on a consistent basis, he or she has the potential of being an abuser.  Often these red flags are not obvious at the start of any relationship, but if you see these characteristics get out of the relationship and seek help immediately. Here are some steps you can take to help a friend experiencing domestic abuse:

1. Tell your friend, “I see what is going on.”

2. Tell your friend, “Abuse is not their fault and it is not normal.”

3. Tell your friend, “You deserve a healthy non-violent relationship.”

4. Tell your friend, “The number to the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233.”

5. Ask your friend, “How can I help support you?”

Everyone has the power to prevent domestic abuse not just those who are directly affected.  The proactive actions of a bystander in the prevention of domestic abuse send a powerful message to both the victim and the abuser. 

To report domestic abuse or learn about prevention and services call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. Help is available 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.

15 – 20% of Couples Have Sexless Marriages

Jennifer (name changed) didn't have sex with her ex-husband on their wedding night. "I chalked it up to fatigue," she says. But should it have been a red flag? Well, maybe.

It's not that it didn't happen that one night that was the problem; it's that it was the first of many sexless married nights. As an engaged couple, Jennifer and her fiancé were doing it about three times a week, but once they said their vows, it quickly dwindled to about once a month — sometimes less.

Some experts call marriages that average 10 rolls in the hay per year or less "sexless," but other experts take the word more literally, like Susan Yager-Berkowitz, who coauthored (with her husband) "Why Men Stop Having Sex: The Phenomenon of Sexless Relationships and What You Can Do About It."

 

Click to read.

Luv Coach Advice: Marriage Called Off

I was supposed to get married last year, but my fiance called off the wedding weeks before the ceremony. He said that I was not passionate enough, but he refuses to leave, constantly telling me what I don't do and what I can't do and what I won't do. There is so much animosity between us that I don't think we could ever get past it. Do you have any suggestions on how we could make it work or if it is even worth it?

Nikki
Calling off the wedding the month you are supposed to get married is a sign that your fiance was not ready, and he is now blaming his uncertainty on you. Pointing the finger at your spouse is a surefire way to create division and animosity in a relationship. These are all tactics used to push a person away, and it seems that your fiance has no intention of truly saving the relationship. His decision to stay in a mini-marriage and not be married, all the while verbally and emotionally abusing you, sounds like he wants you to end the relationship so that he will not be responsible for its failure. If you want to heal this relationship, you will need a relationship couples coach, and if you decide to end it, I would recommend that you work with a coach to heal the wounds created by all of this emotional turmoil. In the meantime, ask him what his true fears are concerning marriage. Any emotionally stable person knows that you cannot change your partner; you can only change yourself. Taking responsibility for his role in the type of relationship he helped to create would have been the empowering way to address this situation. He could have chosen to approach you differently and been open to sharing his needs for passion and other forms of intimacy with you instead of laying the blame on you for his own cold feet.

Click to read.

Divorce Takes Health Toll Study Says

 

(CNN) -- Divorce causes more than bitterness and broken hearts. The trauma of a split can leave long-lasting effects on mental and physical health that remarriage might not repair, according to research released this week.

Research shows health differences between people who are married and those who have gone through a divorce.

"People who lose a marriage take such damage to their health," said Linda Waite, a sociologist at the University of Chicago in Illinois.

Waite and co-author Mary Elizabeth Hughes, of Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health, found that divorced or widowed people have 20 percent more chronic health conditions such as heart disease, diabetes or cancer than married people. They also have 23 percent more mobility limitations, such as trouble climbing stairs or walking a block.

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Black Love, Black Divorce: Cheaper to Keep Her (or Him)

I just saw an article today on "How to Leave Your Husband". The article focuses on how women can have a financially fit divorce. I find it amazing that we have gotten to the point that these are the kinds of articles that appear on the front pages of major media outlets. This speaks well to the state of love in America.

The article also seems to imply that beyond the 50% of all Americans who end up in divorce, there are many others who would be divorced if only they could find a way to get it done efficiently. Since when did the bliss of love make us so unhappy?

When I wrote Financial Lovemaking 101, one of the objectives I had in this book was to teach couples how to be jointly responsible when it comes to money. The truth of the matter is that being financially smart and responsible also increases your ability to be financially independent. Therefore, one might conclude that if you end up as one of the millions of Americans who chooses divorce, you might be able to erase your mistake without destroying your bank account.

I once counseled a couple that was nearing retirement. The couple had modest resources, but the wife was quite determined. Over a period of 10 years, she worked overtime and saved her butt off to pay off the family's credit card debt. She also looked into retirement plans on her job, putting thousands into a 401k plan to prepare for the family's golden years. Her husband had other plans. Without his wife's knowledge, he maxed out all the credit cards to start a business. He then withdrew all of the family funds from the retirement plan. The business failed, and his wife was in tears. She wanted to leave her husband, but she was financially drained. What's worse is that staying with her spouse would not have made her any more financially secure.

The reality is that money and love are linked in ways that we never envisioned on that first date. A person's beauty, body shape, and quality of sex become secondary to how well they pay the mortgage and put food on the table. Then, when we find that the love is gone and we want to move on, money becomes the barrier between freedom and misery. Planning ahead financially can be the way to plan your escape route, if that is what you choose to do.

The irony of it all, however, is that being financially intelligent and responsible reduces one major source of conflict in your marriage. It also allows you to make a stronger contribution to the overall well-being of your family. Therefore, by being financially intelligent and independent, you are more likely to have a successful marriage. Kind of paradoxical, don't you think?

I don't judge those who get divorced, never get married or are trying to get divorced. I only say that whatever you do, make sure you do it right. Your love depends on it, and so does your LIFE.

Black Love Advice for Black Men: Why Good Brothers Finish Last

Are you a nice guy who has always wondered why the cocky guy -- the one who barely appears interested in the girl -- is usually the one who gets the girl?

Have you suffered from hearing the words, "You're a really nice guy, but I only like you as a friend," from a woman who you would do (or may, in fact, have already done) just about anything and everything for -- only to turn around and watch her date (or even chase) a guy who treats her like she's nothing special? And are you stumped wondering why she would date a guy who treats her like that when she could have you who would treat her like a princess and give her everything she wants? Well, you better brace yourself because I'm going to tell you a couple of secrets that you might not want to hear.

First, "nice" equates with boring and predictable. Look up "nice" in the dictionary and you find: pleasant; agreeable; satisfactory. In other words, average -- not exceptional, not exciting, and not sexy.I'll bet you've never heard a woman say she didn't want to date a guy because he was too confident, too passionate, or too exciting -- have you? But, I'll bet you have heard women say things like, "He's such a nice guy. He's so sweet and he's always there for me, but I only like him as a friend." Or, "He's such a good guy -- kind, thoughtful, generous, honest, loyal -- but there's no chemistry. He just doesn't turn me on." Sadly, I hear it all the time. The fact is, Mr. Nice Guy, you cannot bore a woman into feeling attracted to you or into wanting to date you. And as obvious as that sounds, if you are one of those guys I described that is exactly what you are trying to do. And it won't work.

Click to read the rest of the article.

Black Men and Marriage: What Black Women need to Know

There was an article written on MSNBC about the 5 traits that men have on their marriage checklist. The article was nice, but wrong! I am not sure what woman wrote the article, but she needs to do her homework.

So, based on my own experience and conversations with my friends, I will give you the list of things that many men think about before choosing marriage. No, it's not scientific, so if that leads you to ignore the advice, then so be it. But as a black man, I can tell you that many black men might agree with some of this:

1) We don't want to get hassled: No, I don't want to be told that I can't watch the football game or that I have to get up on a Saturday morning to go shopping with you at the mall. Yes, I will spend time with you, but I don't want to be harassed when I am trying to seek peace or go play ball with my friends. Let me be and I will be happy to see you rather than irritated.

2) Can you cook? If you can't, then we are both going to starve. So many women have gotten caught up in this feminist mindset that tells them that men should want to cook, clean and change diapers as much as they do. Not in my world. In my world, a woman knows how to be respected, but is still ok with wearing the skirt in the household. She also makes her man want to be with her and want to come home every day. No man wants to marry a woman who wants to be a man.

3) Don't use sex as a weapon. That will make other women start looking really good. Men need sex, really badly. Don't think that because you have a ring on his finger that you control whether or not he gets sex.

4) Take care of your body and try to look good for him. Every man wants a woman who tries to look her best. A lot of men believe that women throw in the towel on sex and looking good after they know that they have him locked down. That's why many men don't get married. Why would you want to be stuck with a woman who let herself go when there are single women who look good out there?

5) Don't take him for granted. Some women have their first child, and then they seem to forget to please their man or give him attention. All their time is spent talking about how the kids need this and the kids need that. The man becomes the stage prop that you're using to play house, as you use him as a provider, order him around and then refuse to have sex with him. That kind of relationship would make me unhappy. No one wants to be in a place where they are not happy.

Take the advice or leave it. All I know is that after seeing many of my friends get financially destroyed after divorce and having their kids taken away, it doesn't whet my appetite to walk into that same line of fire. So, if you want to get a man to take this risk, you better find a good way to make him want to do it. There's a reason that half of marriages end in divorce and half of the successful ones only look good on the outside.

I Am So Proud of My Daughter Banke

One of the reasons that I am so excited about Senator Obama’s candidacy for the Oval Office is his vision for our children. All of this nation's children should have the same educational opportunities to be all that they can be regardless of race and/or economic class.

Through God’s grace and great mercy my daughter Banke will receive a Masters in Education on May 17, 2008. Please rejoice, celebrate, and help me congratulate my youngest daughter as she reaches this wonderful achievement in her life.

Banke is 24 years young, gifted, and black. She is a 2005 graduate of the University of VA and has been employed as a teacher for three years.

It is my belief that as race of people African-Americans should rejoice, encourage, celebrate, comfort, and love each other. I hope that you enjoy reading the following post written by Banke on her facebook blog as much as I did.

May 13, 2008
"hip-Hop saved my life

Lupe said hip-hop saved his life and I am inclined to agree with him. When I think about all of the major events and phases and my life, hip-hop is the backdrop. I remember when my sister came home from Syracuse University so excited to play “Mo Money, Mo Problems”. Her enthusiasm was infectious. I laid on the living room floor and let the music wash over me. Perhaps this was my baptism into hip-hop. I remember my other sister telling me how everybody at Penn State went crazy whenever they heard, “f--- the state pen, f--- hoes at Penn State.”

I remember being a suburban kid who loved to visit her cousin on the weekend because she lived in the hood. We walked to the corner store, heard the cars blasting music, and thought this is what it’s like to be alive.When that same suburban kid moved to the hood herself she wasn’t scared or sad because she was moving where the music came from. I remember house parties and dancing on the wall and doing the cry baby.

My image of love was shaped by hip-hop. I remember hearing Mary and Meth thinking I hope to one day find a love like that. I haven’t, but that song still sets the standard for how I want to feel. I remember hearing Tupac and getting goose bumps. I felt how Elaine Brown felt when she met Huey P. Newton. What a genius what a maniac, I wanted a man like that.

I remember moving down south and hearing Timbaland constantly on the radio. My sister and I went crazy every time we heard “Love to Love Ya. I wanted “big lips and handle bars.” I remember bugging out over how crazy Missy was. I remember the WU album.

I learned about sexuality from hip-hop. LL taught me that if you’re going to do it, do it well. Lil’ Kim taught me the power that a woman holds in between her legs; Foxy Brown taught me how to use it. I remember listening to We Are the Streets and Back for the First time non-stop in high school. I remember being rebellious, only putting my head up when I had headphones on.

I remember college and my southern boyfriend putting me on to the merits of Outkast. I remember my afrocentric soul sista putting me on the Jean Grae. I remember The Roots concert being sold out, madlib being bumped by the real hip-hop kids. I remember Lil’ Jon got the parties going crazy. I remember when Kayne first came out. He fed the soul of that suburban/hood/conscious/afrocentric bohemian I was becoming.

I remember just wanting to be a part of it. I read everything hip-hop. XXL was read cover to cover the first day it hit the newsstands. S---, it was college you know I didn’t have a subscription. I remember listening to everything they referenced as classic. I wanted to live, breathe, and sh-- hip-hop. I remember the rush I felt when my words and my name were in the newspaper—people reading MY reviews on the net.

I remember graduation and the panicky feeling I had. No job lined up, back to the Roc. I remember teaching kids from the same hood and wanting to shield them from every bad decision that could be made.

Now I am a seasoned teacher I’m out of love with hip-hop. I hate the fake thugs it creates, I hate the materialism it promotes, I hate seeing my female students sing along with songs that “let them lick the wrapper.” But I could never hate hip-hop.

I use it to teach my students to think critically. Why do you like this? Why is this hot? What does it make YOU feel? So slowly hip-hop is putting me back under its spell. When I teach my students about a four count, and how to critique a beat and they get it, I get that feeling back.

Hip-hop raised me, and I haven’t grown up yet."

Vera Richardson is the author of “A Case of Racial Discrimination and Retaliation Real or Imagined." http://search.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/isbnInquiry.asp?r=1&EAN=9780615177014

Governor Bill Richardson Important and Affectionate Endorcement of Senator Obama

We have a chance during this election to form an unbeatable combination of voters of all colors, races, ages, and economic classes to win the White House in 2008. Oh yes we can!!! Thank you Governor Richardson for your fine endorsement of Senator Obama.

Vera Richardson is the author of “A Case of Racial Discrimination and Retaliation Real or Imagined."

Hillary Clinton puts McCain above Obama - Complete

One of the comments to my recent posting included statements that Obama would be wise to accept the Vice President’s position with Hillary Clinton at the top of the ticket. I disagree because this country needs new leadership and a new vision. Obama doen’t need to intern under Hillary Clinton nor do he need her on his ticket for the Presidency. To support my position I draw your attention to two facts about the Clintons and their old divisive and secretive ways of winning.

News Headline number 1 - Archivists Block Release of Clinton Papers
Federal archivists at the Clinton Presidential Library are blocking the release of hundreds of pages of White House papers on pardons that the former president approved, including clemency for fugitive commodities trader Marc Rich.

Officials with the presidential campaign of Sen. Barack Obama, D-Ill., criticized Sen. Clinton this week for not doing more to see that records from her husband's administration are made public. "She's been reluctant to disclose information," Obama's chief strategist David Axelrod told reporters in a conference call where he specifically cited the slow release records from the Clinton library. "If she's not willing to be open with (voters) on these issues now, why would she be open as president." Hillary is also stalling about releasing their old tax returns.

News Headline number 2 – Mark Penn, chief stategist for Hillary Clinton and Senator John McCain top political advisor Charlie Black are business partners. Penn is the CEO of Burson-Marsteller, which is one of the largest public relations firms in the world. Clarlie Black is the Chairman of BKSH which is a lobbying subsidiary of Burson-Marsteller.

One of the noted client of Burson-Marsteller is Blackwater. In 2007, Blackwater a private security firm was accused of killing several Iraqi civilians. Blackwater hired BKSH to help them with their image after the Iraqi civilans claims. The firm was also hired by
Countrywide Financial to address their image problems after downsizing and the increased numbers of foreclosures.
http://www.burson-marsteller.com/About_Us/Pages/About_Us.aspx

The lobbying firm of Burson-Marsteller wins if either Senator Clinton or Senator John McCain are elected as the President of the United States of America. This explains Hillary’s attacks on Obama that states that only she and McCain are qualified to be the next President.

Americans must not be fooled by a public relations firm and the Clintons. We must continue to support and embrace Senator Barack Obama and his quest to become a President for all Americans. OH YES WE CAN!!!

Vera Richardson is the author of “A Case of Racial Discrimination and Retaliation Real or Imagined."
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/customer-images/0615177018/ref=cm_ciu_pdp_images_all/gallery

WHY MORE WOMEN ARE STRAYING

The sizzling affairs of Hollywood female stars have exposed a startling trend - more and more women are cheating on their partners. For years men have been regarded as home-wreckers - quickly rushing into the arms of a new mistress. Now female celebrities have shown that women are almost as likely to carry on a secret liason. And women are becoming very bold about it.

Men have always been associated with affairs. But nowadays women are getting the same opportunities to have affairs and they expect better quality sex lives. Whether it’s a female college student who has no real concept of monogamy or a 21-year married veteran and mature mother of three, women are becoming more bold about their newfound sexual freedom.Accurate stats on women’s infidelity are understandably hard to come by since – no surprise here – ladies aren’t always keen on ’fessing up to their extracurricular activities.

But it’s generally guesstimated that 14%-40% of married women have intimately tangoed with someone other than their husbands. In one unscientific yet telling poll at WomanSavers.com (the self-proclaimed “world’s largest database rating good and bad men”), women were asked if they had ever cheated. Of the more than 9,400 women who responded, 49% said they had. Another 26% said that they’d have no problem stepping out on their partners if they knew they could get away with it.But why is this all happening?

The easy answer is that women today have the same opportunities to cheat as guys always did. Not only do working women have the chance to mix and mingle with would-be lovers (both in the office and on business trips), but the Internet is filled with chat rooms and websites that blatantly court married men and women looking for a little something on the side. Even still, it takes more than mere opportunity to get a woman to slide between someone else’s sheets.

THE PRIMARY reason women cheat is because their needs are not being fulfilled. ‘Needs' cover all things within the emotional, sexual, mental and financial parameters of a relationship. However, these unmet needs manifest in a variety of ways. The following is a short list of reasons women give for cheating.

1. Women feel taken for granted. As wives and long-term partners, women get stuck in very humdrum roles of mommy and housekeeper and it's irresistible when they find someone who sees them as a sexual being rather than a person who is responsible for the washing and ironing.

2. Boredom. Many women are in pretty good marriages – things are good, the kids are fine, the husband’s okay – but she’s bored and needs some excitement,” And a casual affair may put some zing back in her days.

3. Not getting enough attention from their partner. Women, like men, love attention. Women are often left to deal with domestic issues on their own, and are taken for granted by their men. The popular song 'Put that woman first', by R&B artist Jaheim, comes to mind. In the song he notes that if it weren't for the football games on Sundays, his job, hanging with his friends, he'd remember to spend time with his girl. In response to his neglect, she cheats.

4. Money. Yes, there you have it. Some women complain that their men are not supplying them with enough money. Their solution is to find another guy who will shower them with, not love, but money.

5. Many men get sexually lazy and no longer please her partner. They no longer engage in foreplay and do very little guarantee that sex is good for their partners. If the man’s bedroom performance is less than pleasing, some women will look elsewhere. Many cheating women list this as one of their main reasons. Their favorite coined phrase to justify their wrong is “He was giving me what I needed.” So, for a number of women, an affair is sexually satisfying and emotionally rewarding.

6. Revenge. Many women cheat as a retaliation against their cheating partners. It’s the “He hurt me, I’m gonna hurt him” syndrome. They hold the notion that men have got away with hurting women for too long and it is time that women return the 'favour'.

7. Many women cheat because they want to enjoy one of the 'liberties' that men have always enjoyed: sex with multiple partners without the societal baggage. Self-fulfillment has become the new holy grail of the modern female sexual being. In fact, infidelity is merely a blow against the oppressive traditional tyranny of gender roles. And so women cheat to emasculate men, to show the Good Ole Boys Club just who is in charge, even at the risk of having violence visited upon her head.


As you can see, the reasons for unfaithfulness vary. Commitment and monogamy no longer hold that sacred place within our relationships that it once did. Both men and women have come up with very elaborate reasons for why they stray. However, in order to have a loving and fulfilling relationship, it starts with couple’s having one firm and uncompromising reason for why they should stay (committed, that is).

If you want to know how to maintain the commitment needed and avoid cheating, tune in next week.

Can a Book Build a Marriage?

I am a lover of books of all kinds, but lately I can’t seem to pick up a paperback without the words “How to...” on them. I’ve read that it’s a common trait of first borns to want to be right, do all things perfectly and of course be the first one to do anything of importance. We take pride in having knowledge and using that know-how to boss people around. Right? But somewhere in all the know-it-all bravado, there lies a bit of insecurity. Why do I need a book to tell me how to dress, how to win any argument, or how to keep a man interested? (Which by the way, I have not been a victim of…I just read Cosmo like most women...kidding.)

Obviously, I am not alone, considering the millions of dollars flowing around and through the Self Help /Empowerment /Motivation industry. Ask Tim Robbins (Yes, please show me how to unleash the power,) Oprah ( Secret? What secret? Inquiring minds want to know!), even Joel Osteen (Why would I wait to live my best life? Of course I want to do it now!) But books about organization, putting finances in order, or people skills aside, the area I’m relatively new to is marriage.

Fill in the blank. Marriages are __________________.

Until my own, marriage always meant broken dreams, homes, and promises. Marriage meant exposing yourself to someone else’s scrutiny. Dealing with someone else’s chatter during that time of the month. You know how young girls plan their weddings? Well, I planned my divorces…dismal, I know. But no matter how I sliced it, I couldn’t figure out how two people made a lifetime commitment to each other. I thought I’d be a world traveler, date randomly, and send my many god children exotic gifts while I remained blissfully aloof and single. Then I met him. Well, re-met a distant friend. The usual story ensued: we fell in love, got engaged, and after a few years of struggling with the imminent change in future plans (and some pre-marital counseling) we jumped the broom.


Which leads me to the point of this entry; I’ve realized I have no idea how to be married. Is there even a way? My biological father abandoned my step-father was addicted to cocaine, and my mom doubts she’ll ever marry again. My husband’s parents divorced when he was 18. His dad moved in with his mistress of 5 years and left the brand new home that he and his now ex wife had built. So, the ideal marriage in my life? The Huxtables. And we all know how real that was…Some days I can’t believe I did it. Me, with the frostbitten feet! Other days, it’s the only thing besides God that I’m sure of.

Well, to counteract my lack of experience in being a wife, I’ve started reading my first “How to” book on marriage: The Five Love Languages. I should say, we’ve started it, but this is my perspective. I mean, we’re young, we want more than what we’ve witnessed or been a part of, so why not? It can only lead to something better, right?

Dating After Divorce pt 2

So you’re ready to date? You have taken some ‘me time’ to reflect on yourself; on what makes You happy and you are all ready to play the dating game again. Only, those initial dating fears are nagging and persistent. “What exactly am I supposed to be doing?” Those fears and anxieties are natural. After all, you have just gotten over the lifelong commitment you made to someone that turned out to be not so lifelong. Reentering the dating pool to start the cycle again can be a scary feeling. However, once you get your feet wet, you will find the waters to be just fine.

The most challenging part of dating is the ‘getting to know you’ phase. We’re all familiar with the getting to know you phase: “What do you do?” “What’s your favorite color?” “What do you like to do in your spare time?” This is period of time can be frustrating because as a divorced person you thought you were done with this and would never have to see it again. After all, you’d already put in your time, right? Well the time has come to change your mindset all together. This phase shouldn’t bring feelings of dread. It should evoke a sense of newness and growth. The getting to know you phase is the best way to ease your way back in to the game. Step out there and get to know a variety of people. Use this as an opportunity to put to the test everything you thought long and hard about during your “me-time”. In the process, you are likely to not only to continue learning more about yourself, but make a new friend or two as well.

Now you’re in and you’re active; you’re mixing and mingling. It’s not so bad right? Some of these people seem like they are up your alley. The conversation is flowing and you find yourself comfortable with the dating scene. Now is the time to take account of the people you do ‘hit it off with’. Many divorced people find themselves most aligned with those who are also divorced. It’s not very surprising if you take a moment to think about it; divorced people have more in common than those who have yet to experience the highs and lows of marriage. Divorced people have more of a tendency to work harder in a relationship they feel is worth something; they are often more likely to see the forest beyond the trees. They also have a greater chance at having similar long term goals. And to be quite frank, they are a little more likely to see though some of the nonsense that is inevitable with dating as well. Keep in mind as you enjoy your time in the dating scene what seems like a good fit with You. Don’t try to force a square peg into a round hole for the sake of companionship.

Most importantly, everyone has a past. The past makes you who you are. Where you have been and what you have done shapes who you are today. The ‘me-time’ after your divorce is crucial to the past being a positive influence on moving forward. Most people will say “leave the past in the past”. That’s not 100% accurate. You don’t want to leave the past behind. Otherwise, with the past, you leave behind the important lessons you learned form those experiences. What you do want to leave behind is the negativity of the past. Use where you’ve been to spring yourself forward towards what you want to have in the future. Find the positive in your past and use it to your advantage. Only then will you find yourself most successful in living and loving after a divorce.

Let's Talk about Sex: Robots and Sexuality

by Hasani Pettiford - Your Black World




Robosexuals: Science Fiction or Fact?




Imagine a robot that looks, sounds, smells, and feels exactly like your former, current, or dream-about-in-the-future, lover. Imagine that this robot has access to the instruction from every sex manual, sex column, and infomercial website that has ever been produced, and can synthesize this data into concrete action and sexual behavior. Imagine a robot that can teach lovemaking skills, so that men and women who feel inadequate will be able to take unlimited lessons, in private, from robot lovers who possess an unrivaled level of knowledge of sexual techniques and psycho-sexual problems, combined with great skills as sensitive, patient teachers.

Imagine this robot has software that continually evolves, becoming a more attentive lover, a more appealing partner, changing it's voice, appearance, and behavior based on how you interact with it, all the while using fewer and fewer resources to achieve this goal. Just as chess programs are loaded with databases of moves in different chess openings, so the robots can be given databases of different sexual positions and techniques from around the world. It will be possible to set different "levels" or "preferences," in much the same way that different skill levels and style-of-play preferences can be chosen on a chess computer. And the robots will be able to learn what the user likes. On one level a robot could be set to cater, in every encounter, to the user's sexual tastes. Another level could allow for a random choice of sexual activities and/or positions, in order to give the user some surprises. Yet another level could be a "teaching" mode that provides instruction for the sexual novice. By providing a host of different options, manufacturers will make sex robots appealing to just about every sexual orientation and taste. And the biggest benefit of all is unlimited sex with no risk of pregnancy, abortions, sexually transmitted disease and unwanted emotional attachment.

If you can possibly imagine all of this, imagine no more. By 2012 it is projected that humans will be able to have sex with robots. In fact, by 2050, humans will be able to marry robots. Sounds far fetched? Think again. When the Web site www.Betterhumans.com conducted a survey in February 2003 to investigate what sex technology most people desired, the clear favorite was "android love slaves" with 41% of the votes polled. And as the number of domestic robots worldwide grows dramatically, from about 400,000 in 2003 to the UN's prediction of 4.1 million in 2007, so the numbers of robot designers, robot-development companies, and robot research institutes will mushroom, all fueled by a combination of the money earned from robot sales and government mega-investments. And I'm not talking about R2D2-like robot from the epic movie Star Wars. Rather, the erotic android sexbots introduced in Austin Powers.

Androids are robots designed in a human-like form – of which many examples can be found at the bottom of this article. But in addition to having arms, legs and a head, sexual robots will also have human-sized genitalia of your choice. Japanese scientists have already unveiled the most human-looking robot to date, well at least in the public domain. Secret research is being done now which looks towards the future to build robots so real they will fool humans, in other words they maybe sitting next to you and you would never even know it. New skin technologies will allow the robots to have real human skin grown in petri dishes which will be incorporated in the sexual revolution of robots.

It is suggested that robot sex will become the only sexual outlet for a few sectors of the population: the misfits, the very shy, the sexually inadequate and uneducated, . . .; and that for different sectors of the population robot sex will vary between something to be indulged in occasionally, and only when one's partner is away from home on a long trip, to an activity that supplements one's regular sex life, perhaps when one's partner is not feeling well, or not feeling like sex for some other reason.

To remove the weirdness factor of having sex with robots, these android sex robots can be programmed with artificial intelligence software technology that will give it personality traits and characteristics that will allow a human to develop an emotional bond with it. It can be programmed to express love, exhibit a sense of humor, display sympathy, and portray other emotional qualities found a human relationship. As software becomes more advanced and the relationship between humans and robots becomes more personal, marriage could result.

As disturbing as all of this is, the soon-to-be robosexual phenomenon gets more complex. Robotic scientists, law makers and other professionals have debated the ethics of robot sex as they affect both the human and robot itself. What happens when a robot's owner feels ready but the robot's programming causes it to shy away, possibly because it is running its self-test software or downloading some new knowledge and does not wish to be interrupted, or possibly because its personality was designed in such a way that it sometimes says "no" for whatever reason? Under such circumstances, is this considered rape if the robot's owner countermands the robot's wish to refrain from sex on a particular occasion?

Will sex with a robot by a married individual be considered unfaithful? Will it be unethical in some way to say to one's regular human sex partner: "No, not tonight. I rather be intimate with my robot"? Or, perhaps is a partner telling the other, "Not tonight, go and play with your robot." Some couples will, of course, own two robots, a malebot and a fembot, and will enjoy orgiastic sessions in which three or all four of them take part. Will robot swapping be viewed as being similar to wife swapping? Then there are issues relating to the use of other people's sexbots. What will be the ethics of lending your sexbot to a friend, or borrowing theirs? What about using a friend's sexbot without his or her permission?

The possibility of sex with robots could prove a mixed bag for humanity. For instance, robot sex could provide an outlet for criminal sexual urges. "If you have pedophiles and you let them use a robotic child, will that reduce the incidence of them abusing real children, or will it increase it?"

There are some questions to be answered by the lawmakers of the future regarding robot prostitution. Should it be illegal to have a plethora of robot prostitutes ( a robot brothel)? These are all questions that are now being considered.

This stranger-than-fiction reality proves that this world is in deep, deep trouble. We are falling down the slippery slope of morality into the unethical pit of despair. The potential normalcy of sexual relationships with robots speaks to the spiritual and relational disconnect that members of society have with God and their fellow man. Le t us not be so liberal in our thinking that we accept and adjust to the notion of sexual relations with robots. Any sexual or relational problem that a manufactured, perfectly-designed piece of scrap mettle (a sexbot) can solve, a human being can solve as well. So, rather than looking outward to secure relational and sexual fulfillment, look inward first. The answer to every need is found within you and your partner.

Let's Talk about Sex: Robots and Sexuality

by Hasani Pettiford - Your Black World




Robosexuals: Science Fiction or Fact?




Imagine a robot that looks, sounds, smells, and feels exactly like your former, current, or dream-about-in-the-future, lover. Imagine that this robot has access to the instruction from every sex manual, sex column, and infomercial website that has ever been produced, and can synthesize this data into concrete action and sexual behavior. Imagine a robot that can teach lovemaking skills, so that men and women who feel inadequate will be able to take unlimited lessons, in private, from robot lovers who possess an unrivaled level of knowledge of sexual techniques and psycho-sexual problems, combined with great skills as sensitive, patient teachers.

Imagine this robot has software that continually evolves, becoming a more attentive lover, a more appealing partner, changing it's voice, appearance, and behavior based on how you interact with it, all the while using fewer and fewer resources to achieve this goal. Just as chess programs are loaded with databases of moves in different chess openings, so the robots can be given databases of different sexual positions and techniques from around the world. It will be possible to set different "levels" or "preferences," in much the same way that different skill levels and style-of-play preferences can be chosen on a chess computer. And the robots will be able to learn what the user likes. On one level a robot could be set to cater, in every encounter, to the user's sexual tastes. Another level could allow for a random choice of sexual activities and/or positions, in order to give the user some surprises. Yet another level could be a "teaching" mode that provides instruction for the sexual novice. By providing a host of different options, manufacturers will make sex robots appealing to just about every sexual orientation and taste. And the biggest benefit of all is unlimited sex with no risk of pregnancy, abortions, sexually transmitted disease and unwanted emotional attachment.

If you can possibly imagine all of this, imagine no more. By 2012 it is projected that humans will be able to have sex with robots. In fact, by 2050, humans will be able to marry robots. Sounds far fetched? Think again. When the Web site www.Betterhumans.com conducted a survey in February 2003 to investigate what sex technology most people desired, the clear favorite was "android love slaves" with 41% of the votes polled. And as the number of domestic robots worldwide grows dramatically, from about 400,000 in 2003 to the UN's prediction of 4.1 million in 2007, so the numbers of robot designers, robot-development companies, and robot research institutes will mushroom, all fueled by a combination of the money earned from robot sales and government mega-investments. And I'm not talking about R2D2-like robot from the epic movie Star Wars. Rather, the erotic android sexbots introduced in Austin Powers.

Androids are robots designed in a human-like form – of which many examples can be found at the bottom of this article. But in addition to having arms, legs and a head, sexual robots will also have human-sized genitalia of your choice. Japanese scientists have already unveiled the most human-looking robot to date, well at least in the public domain. Secret research is being done now which looks towards the future to build robots so real they will fool humans, in other words they maybe sitting next to you and you would never even know it. New skin technologies will allow the robots to have real human skin grown in petri dishes which will be incorporated in the sexual revolution of robots.

It is suggested that robot sex will become the only sexual outlet for a few sectors of the population: the misfits, the very shy, the sexually inadequate and uneducated, . . .; and that for different sectors of the population robot sex will vary between something to be indulged in occasionally, and only when one's partner is away from home on a long trip, to an activity that supplements one's regular sex life, perhaps when one's partner is not feeling well, or not feeling like sex for some other reason.

To remove the weirdness factor of having sex with robots, these android sex robots can be programmed with artificial intelligence software technology that will give it personality traits and characteristics that will allow a human to develop an emotional bond with it. It can be programmed to express love, exhibit a sense of humor, display sympathy, and portray other emotional qualities found a human relationship. As software becomes more advanced and the relationship between humans and robots becomes more personal, marriage could result.

As disturbing as all of this is, the soon-to-be robosexual phenomenon gets more complex. Robotic scientists, law makers and other professionals have debated the ethics of robot sex as they affect both the human and robot itself. What happens when a robot's owner feels ready but the robot's programming causes it to shy away, possibly because it is running its self-test software or downloading some new knowledge and does not wish to be interrupted, or possibly because its personality was designed in such a way that it sometimes says "no" for whatever reason? Under such circumstances, is this considered rape if the robot's owner countermands the robot's wish to refrain from sex on a particular occasion?

Will sex with a robot by a married individual be considered unfaithful? Will it be unethical in some way to say to one's regular human sex partner: "No, not tonight. I rather be intimate with my robot"? Or, perhaps is a partner telling the other, "Not tonight, go and play with your robot." Some couples will, of course, own two robots, a malebot and a fembot, and will enjoy orgiastic sessions in which three or all four of them take part. Will robot swapping be viewed as being similar to wife swapping? Then there are issues relating to the use of other people's sexbots. What will be the ethics of lending your sexbot to a friend, or borrowing theirs? What about using a friend's sexbot without his or her permission?

The possibility of sex with robots could prove a mixed bag for humanity. For instance, robot sex could provide an outlet for criminal sexual urges. "If you have pedophiles and you let them use a robotic child, will that reduce the incidence of them abusing real children, or will it increase it?"

There are some questions to be answered by the lawmakers of the future regarding robot prostitution. Should it be illegal to have a plethora of robot prostitutes ( a robot brothel)? These are all questions that are now being considered.

This stranger-than-fiction reality proves that this world is in deep, deep trouble. We are falling down the slippery slope of morality into the unethical pit of despair. The potential normalcy of sexual relationships with robots speaks to the spiritual and relational disconnect that members of society have with God and their fellow man. Le t us not be so liberal in our thinking that we accept and adjust to the notion of sexual relations with robots. Any sexual or relational problem that a manufactured, perfectly-designed piece of scrap mettle (a sexbot) can solve, a human being can solve as well. So, rather than looking outward to secure relational and sexual fulfillment, look inward first. The answer to every need is found within you and your partner.