Divorce Takes Health Toll Study Says

 

(CNN) -- Divorce causes more than bitterness and broken hearts. The trauma of a split can leave long-lasting effects on mental and physical health that remarriage might not repair, according to research released this week.

Research shows health differences between people who are married and those who have gone through a divorce.

"People who lose a marriage take such damage to their health," said Linda Waite, a sociologist at the University of Chicago in Illinois.

Waite and co-author Mary Elizabeth Hughes, of Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health, found that divorced or widowed people have 20 percent more chronic health conditions such as heart disease, diabetes or cancer than married people. They also have 23 percent more mobility limitations, such as trouble climbing stairs or walking a block.

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Boyce Watkins on CNN: Chris Brown is Not a Monster, but Violence is Wrong

What Wrong With Black Love

by Dr. Boyce Watkins
http://www.boycewatkins.com/

People sometimes wonder why I don't talk much about my love life. Well, beyond the fact that it would probably bore you, I'll admit that there are some tricky and sensitive issues that might come up. But in case you're wondering, I am not single because I am gay (not that there is something wrong with gay people, I'm just not one of them). I am not married because I take marriage very seriously and realized that my work in the black community would put a family in harm's way. I never thought that Malcolm or Martin should have gotten married either, since I'd never forgive myself if my wife and children were killed or left homeless because of something I've done. The first thing your enemies do when they want to undermine you is to go after your family and/or your source of income. Just ask Bill O'Reilly.

At any rate, I have some friends who are still single, and I listen to them explain why they can't find what they are looking for. For some, it's the "blame the world" strategy - "Black men can't handle an intelligent black woman", or "I'm just too nice and men are dogs"....blah blah blah. On the flip side, I've heard Black men say things about Black women that are simply untrue. Personally, I have no trouble finding great Black women, especially when I learned to look at the spirit and mind along with the body and face. I know many gorgeous women who might have stunned me 10 years ago, but wouldn't get the time of day from me now.

One thing that some of us are missing is the kind of introspection necessary to realize that YOU are the only person who is always present in your relationships. I have a friend who is a drop dead gorgeous college professor and fully convinced that it's never her fault that her relationships are falling apart. All the while, I've seen that same friend walk toward the jerks and away from the guys who might treat her with respect. At the end of the day, she will always be confused, because she only chooses to give her love to those who deserve it the least.

This journey of learning to love yourself enough to know how to give love and receive it properly is a long one. I've personally traveled much of that journey myself. Although I didn't marry my ex-fiance, I was proud of that relationship. The great time we spent together was a reflection of how I'd grown to be able to give the right kind of love and also demand the right kind of love in return. She strengthened my belief in God, for I truly saw her as an angel on earth.

Like most of you, I have experienced the ups and downs of relationships (ho-hum), and all the bliss and pain that comes with it. I've dealt with baby-mama drama, as the one great mistake I made in life was to have a child at a young age with the wrong person. I will pay for that mistake for the rest of my life, although I worked like hell to try to fix it. I fight for father's rights because unlike the confusing speech given by Barack Obama this year on Father's Day, I unconditionally reject the idea that Black relationships don't work solely because Black men are irresponsible buffoons who don't want to be good parents. I tried like hell to be in my own daughter's life, even though I was consistently rejected from it, and I've gotten emails from hundreds of other fathers who feel the same way. At the end of the day, relationships last when both partners make it work, and children are healthiest when both parents understand the importance of having both the mother and the father in the life of the child. You can't blame the opposite sex for everything. That goes for both men and women....no matter how bitter you may be.

Finally, I believe in black love, and I consider black women to be the most beautiful women on the planet. So, if you ever hear of me getting married, it will most likely be to a Black woman. But if you were to ask me about the breakdown of the black family and black relationships, I would say that it takes two to tango. If your relationships are not working out, relieving yourself of all blame is not only going to confuse you, it is also incredibly irresponsible.

At any rate, the article is below...enjoy!

He's not dumping you because ...

Writing about dating is my full-time job, so, naturally, I hear a lot of pretty deranged tales of love gone wrong. But last week I received a letter from a woman who was convinced that men wouldn’t go out with her because she was just too … beautiful.

He's not dumping you because ...

She fully believed her breathtaking attractiveness was anything but a man-magnet — as one might expect. Instead, she said, her beauty acted as a Romeo-repellant, causing suitors to run screaming from her. Obviously, I explained the situation to her (perhaps it wasn’t her gorgeous outsides, but her narcissistic insides that were doing the damage), but it did get me to thinking about all the other ridiculous reasons that women — myself included — come up with when they get dumped.

Along with being too beautiful, here are a few other qualities I guarantee nobody will ever break your heart over:Too smart: I once had a friend who was convinced she couldn’t keep a boyfriend because she was too smart for the male population. She was positive her staggering intellect was turning them off. Uh, no. What drove the men away (and most of her female friends, as well) was the fact that she was mean. We’re talking stupendously cruel. Her definition of smart translated into cutting people down until they felt like the smallest person on earth. Not exactly a turn-on, no matter how cleverly it’s worded.Click to read.

Black Love: Lauren London's Comments Reflect Problems with Black Women

To say that the recent statements of 'Actress', Lauren London - in a "King Magazine" interview - is disquieting, is both an underestimation and misunderstanding of the potency attached to the wordage of certain celebrities within our community. Young Black Women are continuously lusting after the aptly-described "ruffnecks" and "thugged-out" brothers within our culture. It was in 1993, when MC Lyte, rapped - on a song called "Ruffneck," from the album, "Aint No Other" - "I need a ruffneck/I need a dude with attitude/Who only needs his fingers with his food/Karl Kani saggin' timbos draggin'/Frontin' in his ride with his home boys braggin'/Lying 'bout the Lyte how he knocked boots last night/But he's a ruffneck so that's alright." At the time, such allusions were looked upon as little other than artistic-expression, but with the rise in domestic-abuse among black households, such sentiments are beginning to lead to open clues vis-à-vis black-female misjudment. It is an ancient blurb that the good guy always finishes last, but Miss London seemed to put the L in Ludicrous with her recent morally-reprehensible comments. When asked by the interviewer of her choice in men, she replied:

"An authentic gangsta—that deletes about half the rap game off your list. I love guys who are street. I won’t even give soft guys a chance. Menace II Society is my shit! Caine was like my first crush. Actually, O-Dog was my true dream guy. I was in love with him, from that opening scene where he pops the convenience-store worker. He had me from that gunshot [laughs]. He was ’hood, and I loved that."

- With such statements, it is no wonder our culture is dissipating faster than the dreams of 'authentic' actresses who are more than qualified, but are turned around as a result of their stead-fast belief in integrity. That therefore 'deletes' Ms. London off any such list.

Black Love: An interesting take on same sex marriage

I’m against same-sex marriage as a heterosexual male that’s been married for 22 years. And, been having the same sex for 21 years. It gets a little old. “Turn out the lights, dear. Close the door, dear. Did you let the dog out? Did you let him back in, dear?”

And now the government is seeking to ban the only sex I’ve been having and assume I’ll be able to have the rest of my life. Since when does the government care about what happens inside MY bedroom. It’s not that “sexy”. It just is what it is. I’ve resigned myself to it – so why can’t the government?

For the record, I’m all for different sex marriage. But, you see, I’m not gonna bring it up to the misses. No, it’s worked pretty well the past 22 years and with any luck, for the next twenty-two years.

Oh sure, once in a while – when the kid’s not home, we may go to a room other than our bedroom – but that doesn’t happen all that often. And there was that time in a hotel on a trip to

South Carolina. But, for the most part, it’s been the same sex.

Oh, when we were married, I thought it’d be different all the time. We were so young then, and I was so foolish. But it became pretty clear, pretty quickly that once a pattern was established, it was pretty much set in stone.

The rules have never been discussed but they sure are crystal clear to me.

ONE, never ask for sex – same sex or different sex. If you get some, be glad that it’s come your way. And always be appreciative.

TWO, never ask for sex. Same sex or different sex.

THREE, always make sure the light is out.


FOUR, always make sure the door is locked – even when no one else is home.

FIVE, always make sure the dog is back in the house before instituting rules three and four.

So, you see, I know the rules. I know it’s gonna be same sex. And that’s good enough for me. And it certainly seems good enough for the misses. So, government. But out! Our same sex is none of your business. It usually is none of my business. But when I make it my business, I don’t need your help. And neither does the misses.

Ben Merens is a public speaker and a talk show host at Wisconsin Public Radio in Milwaukee.
He and his wife will celebrated their 22nd wedding anniversary on June 21st.
Ben’s website is http://www.benmerens.com/.

Black Love, Black Divorce: Cheaper to Keep Her (or Him)

I just saw an article today on "How to Leave Your Husband". The article focuses on how women can have a financially fit divorce. I find it amazing that we have gotten to the point that these are the kinds of articles that appear on the front pages of major media outlets. This speaks well to the state of love in America.

The article also seems to imply that beyond the 50% of all Americans who end up in divorce, there are many others who would be divorced if only they could find a way to get it done efficiently. Since when did the bliss of love make us so unhappy?

When I wrote Financial Lovemaking 101, one of the objectives I had in this book was to teach couples how to be jointly responsible when it comes to money. The truth of the matter is that being financially smart and responsible also increases your ability to be financially independent. Therefore, one might conclude that if you end up as one of the millions of Americans who chooses divorce, you might be able to erase your mistake without destroying your bank account.

I once counseled a couple that was nearing retirement. The couple had modest resources, but the wife was quite determined. Over a period of 10 years, she worked overtime and saved her butt off to pay off the family's credit card debt. She also looked into retirement plans on her job, putting thousands into a 401k plan to prepare for the family's golden years. Her husband had other plans. Without his wife's knowledge, he maxed out all the credit cards to start a business. He then withdrew all of the family funds from the retirement plan. The business failed, and his wife was in tears. She wanted to leave her husband, but she was financially drained. What's worse is that staying with her spouse would not have made her any more financially secure.

The reality is that money and love are linked in ways that we never envisioned on that first date. A person's beauty, body shape, and quality of sex become secondary to how well they pay the mortgage and put food on the table. Then, when we find that the love is gone and we want to move on, money becomes the barrier between freedom and misery. Planning ahead financially can be the way to plan your escape route, if that is what you choose to do.

The irony of it all, however, is that being financially intelligent and responsible reduces one major source of conflict in your marriage. It also allows you to make a stronger contribution to the overall well-being of your family. Therefore, by being financially intelligent and independent, you are more likely to have a successful marriage. Kind of paradoxical, don't you think?

I don't judge those who get divorced, never get married or are trying to get divorced. I only say that whatever you do, make sure you do it right. Your love depends on it, and so does your LIFE.

Black Love Advice for Black Men: Why Good Brothers Finish Last

Are you a nice guy who has always wondered why the cocky guy -- the one who barely appears interested in the girl -- is usually the one who gets the girl?

Have you suffered from hearing the words, "You're a really nice guy, but I only like you as a friend," from a woman who you would do (or may, in fact, have already done) just about anything and everything for -- only to turn around and watch her date (or even chase) a guy who treats her like she's nothing special? And are you stumped wondering why she would date a guy who treats her like that when she could have you who would treat her like a princess and give her everything she wants? Well, you better brace yourself because I'm going to tell you a couple of secrets that you might not want to hear.

First, "nice" equates with boring and predictable. Look up "nice" in the dictionary and you find: pleasant; agreeable; satisfactory. In other words, average -- not exceptional, not exciting, and not sexy.I'll bet you've never heard a woman say she didn't want to date a guy because he was too confident, too passionate, or too exciting -- have you? But, I'll bet you have heard women say things like, "He's such a nice guy. He's so sweet and he's always there for me, but I only like him as a friend." Or, "He's such a good guy -- kind, thoughtful, generous, honest, loyal -- but there's no chemistry. He just doesn't turn me on." Sadly, I hear it all the time. The fact is, Mr. Nice Guy, you cannot bore a woman into feeling attracted to you or into wanting to date you. And as obvious as that sounds, if you are one of those guys I described that is exactly what you are trying to do. And it won't work.

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Why Barack Obama Was Wrong to Stereotype Black Fathers

I received a lot of email from both men and women about my comments on Barack Obama's Father's Day speech. I watched the speech, hoping that I could find some way that I was wrong about Barack. Perhaps his speech writers, surely the best in the business, slid in a line or two conditionalizing his statements to remind us that Father's Day is a day to celebrate good fathers, not to spend all our time mulling over the bad ones.

I looked and looked for that one line of salvation and never found it. That makes me sad, since many of the emails I received were from black fathers who came right out of the Bill Cosby book of parenthood (even though Cosby has made some dirty mistakes of his own as a dad). These men, some of whom were conservatives or in the military, did not understand why little time was spent giving them the same respect we give women on Mother's Day. Instead, they were fed the same old stereotypes of black male irresponsibility. These were the same stereotypes that allowed their ex-wives or mothers of their children to feel completely vindicated for any poor treatment bestowed upon them as they worked hard to stay in their childrens' lives. They were the same stereotypes that keep the 50% of divorced white males of America comfortable that their broken homes are not as bad as the broken homes of black men. After all, the presidential candidates conveniently forget to critique White America in the same way they critique the black male. I thought Obama was 50% white? Doesn't that mean that he is as much a part of White America (thus entitled to critique) as he is Black America? Or is he just the Black Candidate?

To spend father's day obsessing over what black fathers are doing wrong is like going to someone's birthday party with a list of all the things you hate about them. Even if I'd been born with a terrible mother, I would not spend Mother's Day saying "Mom, there are far too many days when you are not there for me the way you should be." It would be even worse if I then went on to tell my father that the breakup of our family was all my mother's fault and that he is completely relieved of any guilt whatsoever.

That is what Obama did when he patted black women on the back and essentially said "That's ok. We know how all those black men are treating you. They're just bad and you're good. Let's spend Father's Day talking about you and how disappointed we are in them." He was preaching to the choir, since I am willing to bet that many of the men in that church were loyal and dedicated fathers, either sitting confused that they were being chastised on their special day or nodding their heads in agreement that black men are collectively a pack of screw ups. "Some do the right thing, but doing the wrong thing is the norm". Does anyone wonder how deformed your existence becomes when you consider the most pathetic segment of American society to be people who look like yourself?

This strikes a chord with me because I have seen it up close. I have seen black women who swear up and down that the reason every man they meet doesn't want to be with them implies that there is something wrong with all men. I see black men who refuse to date black women because they feel that black women are all angry, bitter and nasty. In both scenarios, I correct the individual and encourage him/her to look in the mirror. If all of your relationships are falling apart, you are the only variable that is consistently present in every relationship you've ever had. Either you are consistently choosing the wrong person to procreate with, or you are consistently mistreating the right people who come your way. Women who choose good men and treat them well remain happily married. That's just a fundamental fact and I, as a man, know this because I have chosen the wrong woman at times, and there have been times when I've not given a woman the respect she deserved. In either case, I ended up disappointed.

What is true is that both men and women play a role in the survival of our families. When a divorce or breakup occurs, the children are usually given to the woman. Also, most divorces are not always the sole fault of one party or the other. So, if we are going to define the term "deadbeat dads", we cannot generalize that term to include any man who does not live with his kids. Senator Obama DID NOT, to my knowledge, make that distinction.

What is most interesting is Obama's claim that "far too many men are not in the home....they've chosen to be boys instead of men". This implies that if you get a divorce and the kids live with the woman, then you are effectively behaving as a little boy. This further signals that if Michelle Obama were to divorce Barack and keep the kids, he would effectively become a deadbeat. I am sure that Senator Obama, who would likely spend plenty of time with his children and pay plenty of child support, would become agitated to hear someone speaking about him and other black men as a pack of dead beats, especially on Father's Day. Perhaps he could be consoled with the words "No, we weren't talking about you. We just avoided celebrating you on Father's Day because we wanted to place all the blame on the deadbeats, which includes most black men."

That is where black men are coming from. On Mother's Day, I am not going to spend one second talking about how "there are too many bad baby's mamas keep their child's father from seeing his kids", that "angry black women are divorcing their husbands and taking their children and money from them", or that "black women treat men like crap and then get mad when the man leaves the relationship." I would say none of these things, even though I can name several instances in which this has happened. Instead, I am going to spend Mother's Day celebrating the successes of black women and the wonderful impact they've had on me.

As I said before, it takes two to Tango, black men aren't doing the family break up dance by themselves. Also, the dance of child-rearing is not just being done by the black mothers. Black women are certainly the backbone of the community, but black men aren't just freeloading.

"We Like Black D***, Just Not Black Men"

Let’s be honest- who wouldn’t want a Morris Chestnut, Will Smith, Denzel Washington, or Taye Diggs type of man?


As black women, we’ve watched our brothers be romantically involved with white women for as long as we’ve been in this country. Just when we thought we were accepting it, Asian and Hispanic women picked up on the trend, and Black men started to choose them first. In a day and age where interracial dating is more or less accepted, we have to redirect our anger.

Now, black women are upset because we’ve taken home the bronze medal in comparison to the other races that seek out Black men. For the most part, young Black men are not choosing their Black women, while everyone else is choosing the brothers.

First, look at the music videos you see on BET, MTV or anything else. No longer are “video girls” really black. Hispanic and mixed women seem to be getting closer and closer to the camera. The Vida Guerra’s of the world have taken the front seat, and more brothers want long REAL hair, fair skin and another language to go along with the urban style.

Some people say Black and Hispanics are one in the same, and although we share the same ancestry, I think to put us in the same boat is to ignore the many differences that the two have, especially historically and politically (for the most part, Hispanics picked Hillary over Barack. Does that say anything significant? I think so.)

Next, let’s look at white women- from whom I got the title of this article. It’s not the preferred conversation to overhear during a study break snack, but that statement is exactly what my girls and I heard one day while sitting in the student center on our college campus.

“ Oh my god, I hooked up with a black guy last night…no, I don’t like black men, but I do like black d***!”

…Was this girl serious?

It just goes to show that the physical attraction is- in some cases- the only reason why these unions happen. Okay brothers, I’ll give you that. Some men enjoy having gorgeous exotic looking women of different backgrounds and ethnicities to trophy around with…but ask yourselves, are your parents going to approve of your relationship?

Maybe so, but what about her parents? Are they really as open-minded as she is? The truth is, not all parents are as accepting and open minded as their children.

Do not misinterpret what I’m saying, I do have a lot of white, Asian and Hispanic female friends who date Black men. They are girls with good heads on their shoulders, who are usually friendly, more reserved, smart and very genuine. They have no problem being my friend, and I have no problem being theirs.

It may just be from what I’ve seen around my campus, but the other-race girls who only go after Black men for their well-endowed features, are the ones who do not take the time to befriend black women.

Those girls stick to their own "kind". They’d rather say the curiosity about the physical pleasure was the reason they did it. Those are the kind of girls I overheard saying the above statement.

Brothers, let’s not take this completely as a compliment. You should be offended by such a blatant proclamation. What does this say about you? ”I don’t like black men” means I don’t like black people, and “I just like black d***” means I don’t see you for who you are.

I’ve dated white men, Hispanic men, and even an Asian once. But ultimately and collectively, they don’t want black women either. Of course there are some exceptions to this, one of my best white male friends only dates black women.

Who you choose to date is completely up to you. This article isn’t about that- it is about the reality of human attraction. It is about why Black women in general are becoming the least desired women of all.

We’re too strong-minded, independent, practical, and unadventurous. We argue too much. We work too much. We’re not as fair skinned or pleasing to look at. We like to dress down more than dress up. We’re not always creative in bed. Our hair doesn’t always blow in the wind, and isn’t always our own. We talk too much. We don’t give oral pleasure (says who?), we don’t want to cook every day (actually I love to cook), and we won’t stay with you after you cheat on us (yea, maybe not).

But if that’s why you’d rather not have us, then by all means, as Tyler Perry would say, have your 20%.

Superhead's Boyfriend Fights Back

Apparently, Karrine "Superhead" Steffans is not going to be allowed to tell just her side of the story. Steffans' boyfriend, Darius McCrary, has filed a restraining order against his woman, stating that she was in fact the one initiating the violence in their relationship.
According to his complaint, Darius said that Steffans "jumped on the trunk of my car and then the roof of my car. She started beating my vehicle and windows."

He also claims that Steffans tried to break the windows of his car with her fists!

Finally, McCrary alleges that Steffans "slapped me so hard that she hit a bystander." McCrary also claims that Steffans is a stalker, and that she damaged several thousand dollars worth of property.

Geto fab ya'll!

Wendy Williams and her Love Challenged Husband

Wendy Williams husband Kevin Hunter was recently accused of trying to have Miss Jones, the rival DJ at Hot 97 killed after she said some nasty words about Wendy Williams. The allegations were made in a federal lawsuit filed by Nicole Spence, Wendy's long-time assistant, who has accused Kevin Hunter of sexual harrassment.

Hunter was recently caught on tape having sex with a woman that is not his wife. This has added fuel to the speculation that some of the rumors about his behavior are true.

Bill Clinton's Alleged Love Child: The British Press is Pushing the issue

The British Press has continued its investigation into Clinton's affair with the black Little Rock prostitute Bobby Ann Williams. London Daily Mail columnist James Dalrymple, wrote on Jan. 14, 1997, that Bobby Ann Williams and her sister Lucille Bolton passed two lie detector tests proclaiming that Clinton is the father of her illegitimate son Danny. Arkansas State Trooper Buddy Young states that in 1983, he drove Clinton and the black women to his mother's home near Hot Springs for a sex orgy. Clinton's mother was conveniently out-of-town. In 1984 Bobby Ann had a baby boy she named Danny. He looks exactly like Clinton. He has refused to take a blood test to confirm or deny the allegation.

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The Art of Financial Lovemaking

By Dr. Boyce Watkins
www.FinancialLovemaking.net

People fall in love every day. Some fall in love forever, and some just love the idea of falling in love. We are all familiar with the bliss and agony of love, and our mating, dating and procreating choices define much of the quality of our earthly existence.

But many of us love in all the wrong ways and make short-term choices with serious lifelong consequences. For long-term relationships, reality eventually sets in, and we learn that LOVING together means LIVING together. The thrill you once got from a long, seductive kiss is replaced by the excitement of a good home appraisal or bank account increase. Financial insecurity and emotional insecurity become one and the same, as we find there is a strong correlation between financial deception and emotional betrayal. A big part of living is MONEY. According to a study by the Council of Relationships, money is the number one reason for divorce. This alarming reality is a strong reminder that not discussing the financial and practical dimensions of your relationship can cause you a lifetime of misery.

Some consider it taboo to discuss love and money in the same sentence. I consider it ESSENTIAL. While we might mull all day over a potential mate’s emotional compatibility, sexual compatibility, professional compatibility and spiritual compatibility, most of us don’t spend one second thinking about financial compatibility. Many couples step into serious relationships and marriage without knowing their partner’s income levels, debt levels, credit score, retirement savings, or any of the other significant pieces of information that are going to have a dramatic effect on their love life. Merging your life with a financially irresponsible person is like putting your children into a car with a drunk driver. Once you are in the car, your fates are inextricably linked.

Money plays a huge role in our quality of life, emotional well-being, ability to raise our children properly or ability to spend time together. Money can either be a tool to enhance your love or a weapon to destroy it. Many people have seen their love and relationships ruined by financial problems, financial deception or financial exploitation. How we manage, confront and conceptualize the power of money plays a huge role in how our relationships evolve. That is what Financial Lovemaking is all about.

You think money doesn’t matter in a relationship? Well, here is just a small list of ways that someone could ruin your life financially:

• A partner with horrible credit could keep you from ever getting loan.
• A partner with terrible spending habits can ruin a family’s financial security.
• A partner with a substance abuse or other costly addiction could deplete a family’s assets.
• A partner with unhealthy connections to deadbeat relatives, who always need money, may drain your assets.
• A partner with an income that is too low due to a lack of education or poor professional choices could ruin you financially.
• A partner may steal money from you or borrow it without your permission and use it for something frivolous (i.e. a bad business investment, gambling, etc.)
• A partner who makes bad financial choices may get you into trouble with the IRS.
• A partner who decides to separate from you may end up dragging you and your money through a long and costly legal battle.

I just gave you the short list of ways that money directly impacts your love life. I am sure you can think of experiences you’ve had or those of your friends. In fact, I encourage you to visit our Financial Lovemaking blog to share your personal story on how love and money have impacted your life.

I am not here there to say there’s nothing going on but the rent. However, I can say that nothing else goes on if the rent is not being paid. So, good Financial Lovemaking is necessary for good love. Don’t forget that.

Dr. Boyce Watkins is a Finance Professor at Syracuse University and author of “Financial Lovemaking 101: Merging Assets with Your Partner in Ways that Feel Good.” He does regular commentary in national media, including CNN, NBC, CBS, MSNBC and BET. For more information, please visit www.FinancialLovemaking.net.

I Am So Proud of My Daughter Banke

One of the reasons that I am so excited about Senator Obama’s candidacy for the Oval Office is his vision for our children. All of this nation's children should have the same educational opportunities to be all that they can be regardless of race and/or economic class.

Through God’s grace and great mercy my daughter Banke will receive a Masters in Education on May 17, 2008. Please rejoice, celebrate, and help me congratulate my youngest daughter as she reaches this wonderful achievement in her life.

Banke is 24 years young, gifted, and black. She is a 2005 graduate of the University of VA and has been employed as a teacher for three years.

It is my belief that as race of people African-Americans should rejoice, encourage, celebrate, comfort, and love each other. I hope that you enjoy reading the following post written by Banke on her facebook blog as much as I did.

May 13, 2008
"hip-Hop saved my life

Lupe said hip-hop saved his life and I am inclined to agree with him. When I think about all of the major events and phases and my life, hip-hop is the backdrop. I remember when my sister came home from Syracuse University so excited to play “Mo Money, Mo Problems”. Her enthusiasm was infectious. I laid on the living room floor and let the music wash over me. Perhaps this was my baptism into hip-hop. I remember my other sister telling me how everybody at Penn State went crazy whenever they heard, “f--- the state pen, f--- hoes at Penn State.”

I remember being a suburban kid who loved to visit her cousin on the weekend because she lived in the hood. We walked to the corner store, heard the cars blasting music, and thought this is what it’s like to be alive.When that same suburban kid moved to the hood herself she wasn’t scared or sad because she was moving where the music came from. I remember house parties and dancing on the wall and doing the cry baby.

My image of love was shaped by hip-hop. I remember hearing Mary and Meth thinking I hope to one day find a love like that. I haven’t, but that song still sets the standard for how I want to feel. I remember hearing Tupac and getting goose bumps. I felt how Elaine Brown felt when she met Huey P. Newton. What a genius what a maniac, I wanted a man like that.

I remember moving down south and hearing Timbaland constantly on the radio. My sister and I went crazy every time we heard “Love to Love Ya. I wanted “big lips and handle bars.” I remember bugging out over how crazy Missy was. I remember the WU album.

I learned about sexuality from hip-hop. LL taught me that if you’re going to do it, do it well. Lil’ Kim taught me the power that a woman holds in between her legs; Foxy Brown taught me how to use it. I remember listening to We Are the Streets and Back for the First time non-stop in high school. I remember being rebellious, only putting my head up when I had headphones on.

I remember college and my southern boyfriend putting me on to the merits of Outkast. I remember my afrocentric soul sista putting me on the Jean Grae. I remember The Roots concert being sold out, madlib being bumped by the real hip-hop kids. I remember Lil’ Jon got the parties going crazy. I remember when Kayne first came out. He fed the soul of that suburban/hood/conscious/afrocentric bohemian I was becoming.

I remember just wanting to be a part of it. I read everything hip-hop. XXL was read cover to cover the first day it hit the newsstands. S---, it was college you know I didn’t have a subscription. I remember listening to everything they referenced as classic. I wanted to live, breathe, and sh-- hip-hop. I remember the rush I felt when my words and my name were in the newspaper—people reading MY reviews on the net.

I remember graduation and the panicky feeling I had. No job lined up, back to the Roc. I remember teaching kids from the same hood and wanting to shield them from every bad decision that could be made.

Now I am a seasoned teacher I’m out of love with hip-hop. I hate the fake thugs it creates, I hate the materialism it promotes, I hate seeing my female students sing along with songs that “let them lick the wrapper.” But I could never hate hip-hop.

I use it to teach my students to think critically. Why do you like this? Why is this hot? What does it make YOU feel? So slowly hip-hop is putting me back under its spell. When I teach my students about a four count, and how to critique a beat and they get it, I get that feeling back.

Hip-hop raised me, and I haven’t grown up yet."

Vera Richardson is the author of “A Case of Racial Discrimination and Retaliation Real or Imagined." http://search.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/isbnInquiry.asp?r=1&EAN=9780615177014

Financial Lovemaking 101: Coming together Financially with Your Partner

by Dr. Boyce Watkins
www.BoyceWatkins.com

You can think of the Financial Lovemaking system as the “Kama Sutra of Money Management”. It teaches you the ins and outs of the financial lovemaking process, and how your financial choices can serve to stimulate and strengthen your relationship, rather than destroy it. Millions of couples are making financial love, and a lot of them are doing it the wrong way. Here are some tips on how you can avoid being one of the millions of people who find themselves with battered relationships due to bad financial choices.

Here is just a small list of ways that someone could ruin your life financially:

A partner with horrible credit could keep you from ever getting loan.

A partner with terrible spending habits can ruin a family’s financial security.

A partner with a substance abuse or other costly addiction could deplete a family’s assets.

A partner with unhealthy connections to deadbeat relatives, who always need money, may drain
your assets.

A partner that with an income that is too low due to a lack of education or poor professional choices could ruin you financially.

A partner may steal money from you or borrow it without your permission and use it for something frivolous (i.e. a bad business investment, gambling, etc.)

A partner who makes bad financial choices may get you into trouble with the IRS.

A partner who decides to separate from you may end up dragging you and your money through a long and costly legal battle.

Things you should know before you start the system:

The key to good financial lovemaking is oral – you must communicate with your partner

You must be prepared to be honest.......Honest about areas that need improvement.

The key to good financial lovemaking is rhythm.

It’s not a matter of someone being good or bad. It’s about whether or not they are compatible with you.

Do they complement you if you are seeking to be complemented? Do they contrast with you in ways that you know you need to be contrasted? Do they serve to strengthen your good habits or enable your bad ones?

Steps in the financial lovemaking system

1) Getting financially naked with your partner
2) Request documentation of credit reports, debt levels and income levels

The documentation must be recent, not delayed.

3) Taking and giving your partner an FIV test (The Financial Irresponsibility Virus)
Does your partner have a financial venereal disease?

4) Getting your body ready for financial lovemaking....How are you going to look when you are financially naked?

If you do not have a partner, how do you get ready for when you do?

How do you feel about your financial body in the first place?

5) Financial foreplay

This process can be fulfilling, rather than frightening and draining. Spend time getting your partner excited about making financial love. You may have to educate them about the process.

6) Financial fantasizing: Do you have any financial dreams and goals you want to share? Write them down together and tackle them together. Try to find mutually exciting fantasies.

7) Consider doing a 3-some: Get good advice – bring in an objective outsider who can facilitate your lovemaking process. Subscribe to magazines and websites that are going to enhance your financial lovemaking with one another.

8) Finding a rhythm: It’s not a matter of them being spenders or savers. The question is whether or not you can live with what you see. Does the person’s habits complement your own and allow you to reach goals more easily? Do you have a plan on how you are going to merge your money and manage it together? Is everyone involved, or are there silent partners? Remember – Silent partners don’t get to make financial love. Silent partners just get screwed.

9) Reaching your climax together: Are you on the mountain top alone? – Have both of you agreed that your financial goals work best for each of you, or is one of you taking the lead and running with it? Did both of you participate, or did one person do all the work? This can leave you feeling burned and bitter.

Questions you must ask yourself to determine your needs during Financial Lovemaking

1) Does size really matter? – The size of your mate’s bank account.
Does it matter to you?
How do you feel about your own size?
Do you feel good or bad about your partner’s size?

2) Am I a selfish financial lover?
Bad lovemaking usually starts with selfishness or deceit.
How do you respond when things go bad?
Do you see your partner as “your ticket”, or do you see them as someone who supplements what you are going to bring to the table?

3) What is my own relationship with money?
This is going to impact how you deal with the money of others. It also plays a role in determining whether or not you need financial condoms (protective mechanisms to allow you to keep your money distinct from anyone else’s).

Dr. Boyce Watkins is a Finance Professor at Syracuse University and author of Financial Lovemaking 101: Merging Assets with Your Partner in Ways that Feel Good.

Governor Bill Richardson Important and Affectionate Endorcement of Senator Obama

We have a chance during this election to form an unbeatable combination of voters of all colors, races, ages, and economic classes to win the White House in 2008. Oh yes we can!!! Thank you Governor Richardson for your fine endorsement of Senator Obama.

Vera Richardson is the author of “A Case of Racial Discrimination and Retaliation Real or Imagined."

Hillary Clinton puts McCain above Obama - Complete

One of the comments to my recent posting included statements that Obama would be wise to accept the Vice President’s position with Hillary Clinton at the top of the ticket. I disagree because this country needs new leadership and a new vision. Obama doen’t need to intern under Hillary Clinton nor do he need her on his ticket for the Presidency. To support my position I draw your attention to two facts about the Clintons and their old divisive and secretive ways of winning.

News Headline number 1 - Archivists Block Release of Clinton Papers
Federal archivists at the Clinton Presidential Library are blocking the release of hundreds of pages of White House papers on pardons that the former president approved, including clemency for fugitive commodities trader Marc Rich.

Officials with the presidential campaign of Sen. Barack Obama, D-Ill., criticized Sen. Clinton this week for not doing more to see that records from her husband's administration are made public. "She's been reluctant to disclose information," Obama's chief strategist David Axelrod told reporters in a conference call where he specifically cited the slow release records from the Clinton library. "If she's not willing to be open with (voters) on these issues now, why would she be open as president." Hillary is also stalling about releasing their old tax returns.

News Headline number 2 – Mark Penn, chief stategist for Hillary Clinton and Senator John McCain top political advisor Charlie Black are business partners. Penn is the CEO of Burson-Marsteller, which is one of the largest public relations firms in the world. Clarlie Black is the Chairman of BKSH which is a lobbying subsidiary of Burson-Marsteller.

One of the noted client of Burson-Marsteller is Blackwater. In 2007, Blackwater a private security firm was accused of killing several Iraqi civilians. Blackwater hired BKSH to help them with their image after the Iraqi civilans claims. The firm was also hired by
Countrywide Financial to address their image problems after downsizing and the increased numbers of foreclosures.
http://www.burson-marsteller.com/About_Us/Pages/About_Us.aspx

The lobbying firm of Burson-Marsteller wins if either Senator Clinton or Senator John McCain are elected as the President of the United States of America. This explains Hillary’s attacks on Obama that states that only she and McCain are qualified to be the next President.

Americans must not be fooled by a public relations firm and the Clintons. We must continue to support and embrace Senator Barack Obama and his quest to become a President for all Americans. OH YES WE CAN!!!

Vera Richardson is the author of “A Case of Racial Discrimination and Retaliation Real or Imagined."
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/customer-images/0615177018/ref=cm_ciu_pdp_images_all/gallery

WHY MORE WOMEN ARE STRAYING

The sizzling affairs of Hollywood female stars have exposed a startling trend - more and more women are cheating on their partners. For years men have been regarded as home-wreckers - quickly rushing into the arms of a new mistress. Now female celebrities have shown that women are almost as likely to carry on a secret liason. And women are becoming very bold about it.

Men have always been associated with affairs. But nowadays women are getting the same opportunities to have affairs and they expect better quality sex lives. Whether it’s a female college student who has no real concept of monogamy or a 21-year married veteran and mature mother of three, women are becoming more bold about their newfound sexual freedom.Accurate stats on women’s infidelity are understandably hard to come by since – no surprise here – ladies aren’t always keen on ’fessing up to their extracurricular activities.

But it’s generally guesstimated that 14%-40% of married women have intimately tangoed with someone other than their husbands. In one unscientific yet telling poll at WomanSavers.com (the self-proclaimed “world’s largest database rating good and bad men”), women were asked if they had ever cheated. Of the more than 9,400 women who responded, 49% said they had. Another 26% said that they’d have no problem stepping out on their partners if they knew they could get away with it.But why is this all happening?

The easy answer is that women today have the same opportunities to cheat as guys always did. Not only do working women have the chance to mix and mingle with would-be lovers (both in the office and on business trips), but the Internet is filled with chat rooms and websites that blatantly court married men and women looking for a little something on the side. Even still, it takes more than mere opportunity to get a woman to slide between someone else’s sheets.

THE PRIMARY reason women cheat is because their needs are not being fulfilled. ‘Needs' cover all things within the emotional, sexual, mental and financial parameters of a relationship. However, these unmet needs manifest in a variety of ways. The following is a short list of reasons women give for cheating.

1. Women feel taken for granted. As wives and long-term partners, women get stuck in very humdrum roles of mommy and housekeeper and it's irresistible when they find someone who sees them as a sexual being rather than a person who is responsible for the washing and ironing.

2. Boredom. Many women are in pretty good marriages – things are good, the kids are fine, the husband’s okay – but she’s bored and needs some excitement,” And a casual affair may put some zing back in her days.

3. Not getting enough attention from their partner. Women, like men, love attention. Women are often left to deal with domestic issues on their own, and are taken for granted by their men. The popular song 'Put that woman first', by R&B artist Jaheim, comes to mind. In the song he notes that if it weren't for the football games on Sundays, his job, hanging with his friends, he'd remember to spend time with his girl. In response to his neglect, she cheats.

4. Money. Yes, there you have it. Some women complain that their men are not supplying them with enough money. Their solution is to find another guy who will shower them with, not love, but money.

5. Many men get sexually lazy and no longer please her partner. They no longer engage in foreplay and do very little guarantee that sex is good for their partners. If the man’s bedroom performance is less than pleasing, some women will look elsewhere. Many cheating women list this as one of their main reasons. Their favorite coined phrase to justify their wrong is “He was giving me what I needed.” So, for a number of women, an affair is sexually satisfying and emotionally rewarding.

6. Revenge. Many women cheat as a retaliation against their cheating partners. It’s the “He hurt me, I’m gonna hurt him” syndrome. They hold the notion that men have got away with hurting women for too long and it is time that women return the 'favour'.

7. Many women cheat because they want to enjoy one of the 'liberties' that men have always enjoyed: sex with multiple partners without the societal baggage. Self-fulfillment has become the new holy grail of the modern female sexual being. In fact, infidelity is merely a blow against the oppressive traditional tyranny of gender roles. And so women cheat to emasculate men, to show the Good Ole Boys Club just who is in charge, even at the risk of having violence visited upon her head.


As you can see, the reasons for unfaithfulness vary. Commitment and monogamy no longer hold that sacred place within our relationships that it once did. Both men and women have come up with very elaborate reasons for why they stray. However, in order to have a loving and fulfilling relationship, it starts with couple’s having one firm and uncompromising reason for why they should stay (committed, that is).

If you want to know how to maintain the commitment needed and avoid cheating, tune in next week.

Can a Book Build a Marriage?

I am a lover of books of all kinds, but lately I can’t seem to pick up a paperback without the words “How to...” on them. I’ve read that it’s a common trait of first borns to want to be right, do all things perfectly and of course be the first one to do anything of importance. We take pride in having knowledge and using that know-how to boss people around. Right? But somewhere in all the know-it-all bravado, there lies a bit of insecurity. Why do I need a book to tell me how to dress, how to win any argument, or how to keep a man interested? (Which by the way, I have not been a victim of…I just read Cosmo like most women...kidding.)

Obviously, I am not alone, considering the millions of dollars flowing around and through the Self Help /Empowerment /Motivation industry. Ask Tim Robbins (Yes, please show me how to unleash the power,) Oprah ( Secret? What secret? Inquiring minds want to know!), even Joel Osteen (Why would I wait to live my best life? Of course I want to do it now!) But books about organization, putting finances in order, or people skills aside, the area I’m relatively new to is marriage.

Fill in the blank. Marriages are __________________.

Until my own, marriage always meant broken dreams, homes, and promises. Marriage meant exposing yourself to someone else’s scrutiny. Dealing with someone else’s chatter during that time of the month. You know how young girls plan their weddings? Well, I planned my divorces…dismal, I know. But no matter how I sliced it, I couldn’t figure out how two people made a lifetime commitment to each other. I thought I’d be a world traveler, date randomly, and send my many god children exotic gifts while I remained blissfully aloof and single. Then I met him. Well, re-met a distant friend. The usual story ensued: we fell in love, got engaged, and after a few years of struggling with the imminent change in future plans (and some pre-marital counseling) we jumped the broom.


Which leads me to the point of this entry; I’ve realized I have no idea how to be married. Is there even a way? My biological father abandoned my step-father was addicted to cocaine, and my mom doubts she’ll ever marry again. My husband’s parents divorced when he was 18. His dad moved in with his mistress of 5 years and left the brand new home that he and his now ex wife had built. So, the ideal marriage in my life? The Huxtables. And we all know how real that was…Some days I can’t believe I did it. Me, with the frostbitten feet! Other days, it’s the only thing besides God that I’m sure of.

Well, to counteract my lack of experience in being a wife, I’ve started reading my first “How to” book on marriage: The Five Love Languages. I should say, we’ve started it, but this is my perspective. I mean, we’re young, we want more than what we’ve witnessed or been a part of, so why not? It can only lead to something better, right?

Dating After Divorce pt 2

So you’re ready to date? You have taken some ‘me time’ to reflect on yourself; on what makes You happy and you are all ready to play the dating game again. Only, those initial dating fears are nagging and persistent. “What exactly am I supposed to be doing?” Those fears and anxieties are natural. After all, you have just gotten over the lifelong commitment you made to someone that turned out to be not so lifelong. Reentering the dating pool to start the cycle again can be a scary feeling. However, once you get your feet wet, you will find the waters to be just fine.

The most challenging part of dating is the ‘getting to know you’ phase. We’re all familiar with the getting to know you phase: “What do you do?” “What’s your favorite color?” “What do you like to do in your spare time?” This is period of time can be frustrating because as a divorced person you thought you were done with this and would never have to see it again. After all, you’d already put in your time, right? Well the time has come to change your mindset all together. This phase shouldn’t bring feelings of dread. It should evoke a sense of newness and growth. The getting to know you phase is the best way to ease your way back in to the game. Step out there and get to know a variety of people. Use this as an opportunity to put to the test everything you thought long and hard about during your “me-time”. In the process, you are likely to not only to continue learning more about yourself, but make a new friend or two as well.

Now you’re in and you’re active; you’re mixing and mingling. It’s not so bad right? Some of these people seem like they are up your alley. The conversation is flowing and you find yourself comfortable with the dating scene. Now is the time to take account of the people you do ‘hit it off with’. Many divorced people find themselves most aligned with those who are also divorced. It’s not very surprising if you take a moment to think about it; divorced people have more in common than those who have yet to experience the highs and lows of marriage. Divorced people have more of a tendency to work harder in a relationship they feel is worth something; they are often more likely to see the forest beyond the trees. They also have a greater chance at having similar long term goals. And to be quite frank, they are a little more likely to see though some of the nonsense that is inevitable with dating as well. Keep in mind as you enjoy your time in the dating scene what seems like a good fit with You. Don’t try to force a square peg into a round hole for the sake of companionship.

Most importantly, everyone has a past. The past makes you who you are. Where you have been and what you have done shapes who you are today. The ‘me-time’ after your divorce is crucial to the past being a positive influence on moving forward. Most people will say “leave the past in the past”. That’s not 100% accurate. You don’t want to leave the past behind. Otherwise, with the past, you leave behind the important lessons you learned form those experiences. What you do want to leave behind is the negativity of the past. Use where you’ve been to spring yourself forward towards what you want to have in the future. Find the positive in your past and use it to your advantage. Only then will you find yourself most successful in living and loving after a divorce.