Forgiving Infidelity - Moving Past the Pain

by Gina Streaty - Love and Life writer for FIERCE411.COM

It’s been said that women are far more forgiving than men when it comes to infidelity. I don’t know who took that poll, but they must have skipped a few sisters. The women of today aren’t very forgiving at all, from what I can tell. Sure, most will keep their man after discovering his adulterous behavior, but they make sure his life becomes one miserable, inescapable hell. Last I checked, that is NOT forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a choice that, once made, can liberate us from resentment, anger, or the desire to snatch a steak knife from a kitchen drawer. It’s a healthy choice. Mentally and spiritually, we free ourselves of whatever malice or rage we harbor toward our man and even toward his hot little accomplice. But, it doesn’t mean we have to roll over and play dead, or stay with his lying ass. We can, if we want to, but we can also open the door, hand him his walking papers, and kick his two-timing tail to the curb. The point is, whatever we chose to do—be it move on in life with him or without him—we need to be able to forgive him.

Sure, it’s difficult to do. It takes more than an apology to repair shattered trust and rebuild a relationship that has been victimized by adultery. It takes communication to understand why he cheated in the first place. (And it’s not just because he’s a damn dog.) Understand, most people don’t cheat just for the sake of doing so. There’s usually something more. Maybe he’s still sowing his wild oats and sampling skank-fare because he’s a complete commitaphobe not ready to settle down. Perhaps he thinks he’s God’s gift to women. Maybe he thinks you’re too uptight, frigid, too controlling, or not as attentive to his needs. Whatever the reason(s) behind his “extracurricular” activity, legitimate or not, he needs to be honest about it and you need to encourage him to fess up. Find out if the infidelity is just one symptom of something more serious. Talk to him. Try to be rational. And listen with both ears and much common sense. Also, be mindful of the fact that most men will tell you exactly want you want to hear, if they know you’re in love and there’s a good chance it will get them back in your good graces and your bed.

Once you pardon him, don’t accuse him of a repeat offense unless you’re certain he’s guilty. Suspicion of guilt doesn’t count. We know the signs of adultery, ladies, whether we admit it or not. That old saying is keenly accurate: If we think he’s up to something, he probably is. Let’s not be an idiot about it, like the sniffling, teary-eyed women on the talk show beat. “I found panties in my bedroom and lipstick on his collar and a used condom in the car. I think he MIGHT be cheating on me.” If we’re that woman, let’s wake up and smell the coffee. But, before we start slinging Clorox on his Sean Jean, razor whipping his Rocawear, or spoon-beating the hell out of a pot of grits, let’s make sure we have our facts straight. Have a talk with him. Lay everything out in the open, let loose the tears and the anger and speak our entire mind. If at the end of that diatribe he expresses genuine remorse and accepts responsibility for what he’s done, and we want to pick ourselves up, dry our tears, and give Brotha Boy a second (or his third or fourth) chance, fine. I’ve seen many a relationship survive a fire storm. I’m talking about women who deal with chronic cheaters, and men who’d be great at taking lie detector tests and failing them spectacularly. No sooner than these guys pour out an apology and promise to never cheat again, their car door slams, 22’s” set fire to pavement, and homey is back on his cell phone making plans to kick it with a hoochie on the other side of town. The women, on the other hand, sit and simmer, maybe cut up his clothes, or call him all kinds of names in a heated verbal vomit, then kick him to the curb, only to swing the door wide open for him to strut back through later. Sure, they’re still together, but what kind of relationship is that, and who would want it?

We can absolve our man of all sin and pardon him for a temporary lapse in judgment, but if we can’t let go of our anger and move on, we haven’t really forgiven him; and without that, we can’t have a solid relationship. Where there is resentment and condemnation, trust and honesty are nonexistent. If we’re calling Joey Greco to spy on our guy, checking his cell phone for suspicious numbers, and scanning his clothes for stains like a CSI investigator, we are kidding AND torturing ourselves. We haven’t exonerated him. A friend of mine forgave her cheating husband whose infidelity resulted in a child born outside of their marriage. She gave him a second chance and wiped the slate clean. Just recently, she learned there were other acts of adultery committed and lies that were covered up. Needless to say, she’s calling it quits now and I applaud her for finding the strength to not go sistah-girl on him and send him to the ER. I admire her ability to still have compassion for him, knowing that in the long-run he will regret losing his family and the home they built together. Yes, she excused him AGAIN but, as she put it, she’s taken more than her fair share of disrespect from a whorehound. “This time, he’s got to go!”

Ask yourself if he’s worth another chance, then make a decision and stick to it. If you say you forgive him, mean it! Don’t hold his sin over his head and make him pay for it for the rest of his life. Don’t get suspicious when the PMS voices start speaking to you; and don’t overreact if you see him propped in front of the TV salivating over a butt shaking video vixen. If you bury his transgression in a grave only to exhume it every time something reminds you of what he did, you haven’t let go. Let his sin rest in peace so that you and he can have some! Doing anything less will give his wrongdoing power over you, and it’s not worth it. That’s not to say you aren’t going to have reminders of what’s transpired. But, don’t torture yourself or him obsessing and talking about it.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting what he did or condoning it. It means releasing it; letting go of what he did—completely! If we choose to let him off the hook, let’s do it all the way. Salvage what’s left and grow from it or direct that Playa “To the left! To the left!” and go on about our business. Just remember that absolution requires love, acceptance, honesty, understanding, and generosity. If we can clear the hurdle of forgiveness, we might heal our relationship, but we’ll definitely heal ourselves.