Monday, February 18, 2008

Dating After Divorce pt 2





So you’re ready to date? You have taken some ‘me time’ to reflect on yourself; on what makes You happy and you are all ready to play the dating game again. Only, those initial dating fears are nagging and persistent. “What exactly am I supposed to be doing?” Those fears and anxieties are natural. After all, you have just gotten over the lifelong commitment you made to someone that turned out to be not so lifelong. Reentering the dating pool to start the cycle again can be a scary feeling. However, once you get your feet wet, you will find the waters to be just fine.

The most challenging part of dating is the ‘getting to know you’ phase. We’re all familiar with the getting to know you phase: “What do you do?” “What’s your favorite color?” “What do you like to do in your spare time?” This is period of time can be frustrating because as a divorced person you thought you were done with this and would never have to see it again. After all, you’d already put in your time, right? Well the time has come to change your mindset all together. This phase shouldn’t bring feelings of dread. It should evoke a sense of newness and growth. The getting to know you phase is the best way to ease your way back in to the game. Step out there and get to know a variety of people. Use this as an opportunity to put to the test everything you thought long and hard about during your “me-time”. In the process, you are likely to not only to continue learning more about yourself, but make a new friend or two as well.

Now you’re in and you’re active; you’re mixing and mingling. It’s not so bad right? Some of these people seem like they are up your alley. The conversation is flowing and you find yourself comfortable with the dating scene. Now is the time to take account of the people you do ‘hit it off with’. Many divorced people find themselves most aligned with those who are also divorced. It’s not very surprising if you take a moment to think about it; divorced people have more in common than those who have yet to experience the highs and lows of marriage. Divorced people have more of a tendency to work harder in a relationship they feel is worth something; they are often more likely to see the forest beyond the trees. They also have a greater chance at having similar long term goals. And to be quite frank, they are a little more likely to see though some of the nonsense that is inevitable with dating as well. Keep in mind as you enjoy your time in the dating scene what seems like a good fit with You. Don’t try to force a square peg into a round hole for the sake of companionship.

Most importantly, everyone has a past. The past makes you who you are. Where you have been and what you have done shapes who you are today. The ‘me-time’ after your divorce is crucial to the past being a positive influence on moving forward. Most people will say “leave the past in the past”. That’s not 100% accurate. You don’t want to leave the past behind. Otherwise, with the past, you leave behind the important lessons you learned form those experiences. What you do want to leave behind is the negativity of the past. Use where you’ve been to spring yourself forward towards what you want to have in the future. Find the positive in your past and use it to your advantage. Only then will you find yourself most successful in living and loving after a divorce.

2 comments:

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