How To Check A Black Man: Part I
Alduan Tartt, Ph.D
I was at dinner the other day and overheard a conversation with a group of girlfriends who were “consulting” about how to handle their man. One of my beautiful Black queens was lamenting about her man working all the time and how she felt that he cared more about his job than his family. She then went on to brag to her friends about how they had just decorated the living room with new faux paint and how she was hoping that they could vacation in St. Lucia this summer. One of her girlfriends, who was single, I know because she never talked her man the entire dinner- gave her friend some of the worse advice I’ve ever heard.
She was like, “Girl, you need to check him and let him know who’s number one. See, if you don’t check a brotha they get out of control…you need to nip that in the bud”. I’m sorry, but due to my own past issues and the sincere love and respect for fulfilling black love relationships, you know your boy HAD to say SOMETHING. I rose up from the adjoining booth and introduced myself (yeah, I’m bold like that). I apologized for overhearing their conversation and asked if I could briefly give some much better advice…coming from a black man’s perspective. They were a little taken aback, but they could see the sincerity and pain in my face, so they acquiesced.
I hope what I told them over wine and dessert was useful and they went home and immediately put it to use. I can tell you if they did, they were thanking me shortly thereafter.
I told them that black men don’t like being “checked”. You check your child and even they don’t like it. You converse and discuss your desires, feelings, and inner most needs with your man. You listen when he speaks and desire his influence on your feelings. If you listen first and have the right attitude he’ll reciprocate tenfold. So I told her, “When he comes home, you ask him about his day, cook a warm meal and pray over it, and tell him that you admire his work ethic and will to bring home the bacon. Then, sit on his lap, kiss him, and tell him that you miss him and you want to discuss what changes need to made…in lifestyle, work schedule, etc., in order to spend more time together. If he’s resistant, kiss him longer, stronger, and with every ounce of feeling that you have. Physically convey how much you miss him and repeat your needs."
My beautiful, black sisters if you do that your black man will be home early or maybe even picking you up for lunch! Remember, with the Black Man you can ALWAYS catch more bees with honey. So, if your relationship needs some adjustments tell your single girlfriend to peep game and get your honey ready!
Dr. Tartt is a licensed psychologist, power life coach, and motivational speaker in the Atlanta, Georgia area. He is available to speak on a variety of topics and enjoys coaching and supporting believers on their walk with faith towards a better tomorrow and better relationships. He can be contacted at http://www.drtartt.com/ or 1-877-377-4002.
8 comments:
THANK YOU!!! When are these sista's going to learn to STOP taking relationship advice from their MAN-HATING, MANLESS "friends"? Because as soon as they break up, guess who's going be at that man's house trying to slide up into his bed? Those types of women usually are JEALOUS because they are MANLESS and want all of their "friends" to be just as lonely, bitter, and miserable as they are!
Man, your right about that. Black women think they can tame us and make us into their little pets. The women who controlled me the most were the ones who allowed me to be a man and made me feel like a better man. But the ones who tried to domesticate me like a dog got kicked to the curb.
You are absolutely correct on this one..
"Checking" your man, as if he's your child, is over the line... I agree. But if a woman has remind her man to be more attentive to her and his family, there is something wrong. If a woman has to butter you up, in order for to show her the same gratitude, that would only make her more agitated because we would would like to think that our men just naturally want to spend time with us-- without us having to soothe an ego to make it happen.
Of course, if a woman is asking for trips, new furniure, and shoes, but she is not the one paying for these things... she could be a little more patient with her overworked man. But again, the problem is that women hope that their men would naturally want to be at home with them. They dont expect for their man to have to be buttered-up for him to come around more often.
And lets be honest, there are plenty of times when women have chosen to use the "honey" method to sort out an issue within the relationship... but, even when heard, it does not always stick. So, then it becomes a major agitation to a woman when she is constantly made to do this, in order for him do what she hopes would be a natural desire for him.
So I guess what I'm sayin, or asking, is: are women just expecting the wrong things or too much from men? Or are we misunderstood in the things we hope that the men (who say they LOVE/LIKE us, WANT us, and are "committed" to us) should naturally want to do for/with us and our families?
hemlee.blogspot.com
I don't believe checking or munipulation is the answer. I believe an unselfish man would just want to meet the need of his family as would a unselfish woman. There is no need to control. We must learn from the inside out how to love unconditionally and unselfishly. We must learn how to communicate, respect and honor one another for us to truly experience the fullness of relationship.
Thanks, I really need to read this article. I 'm dealing with the same thing with my man and I did bring it to his attention. However, I think I came off the wrong way. So its time for me to go back and fix things.
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