Embracing Loving Relationships

My relationship with my children is very loving and supportive. I was living in Newport News, VA on January 5, 2006, when I received a wonderful e-mail from my then twenty-one year old daughter Tiffany. The day that I received her letter I felt unloved, lonely, and depressed. Tiffany’s letter lifted my spirits and makes me very proud to be her mommy. I started crying as I praised and thanked God as I read and reread her e-mail. After I cried, rejoiced, and praised God I forwarded Tiffany’s e-mail to my three other children.

We all need love and encouragement. On my birthday, February 18, 2006, I started writing my book "A Case of Discrimination and Retaliation Real or Imagined." Tiffany's email was that loving motivation that I needed to start and complete my book.

Hey Moms,
I am writing you because I was disheartened by our last conversation. Mommy you have led a full life. You were a teenage mother but never became a statistic. You decided that you did not want the same plight as the people in your family and you went to college. You saw the life that you wanted to live and you chased after it. Of course there have been some detours along the way. You and Pops dropped out but both of you eventually got your bachelors while working full-time and raising four bad a-- kids. That is an accomplishment in itself.

Mommy you are one of the prettiest, most graceful, stylish women I have ever met. I remember when I was little thinking that I wanted to be just like you when I grew up. Somewhere along the line you have forgotten who you are and all that you have been through. I know your marriage left a huge burden on your heart and your romantic life now is doing the same. But mother as women, especially as Black women, we cannot hand over our destinies and mental and spiritual happiness to someone else. I know this is easier said than done. I know that you have read or heard the self-help gurus and it is all basically the same s--t. The only thing that can change is your reaction to it.

You told me the other day that you have changed because you are saved now. Well let me tell you that Jesus was no punk. I'm no biblical scholar but He did not go around asking demons to please come out. No He said demon come out. He did not back down when Satan tempted him on the mountaintop. He was not walking around with his head down nor did He let what people said affect Him. Christians strive to be like Jesus but we often forget His boldness. Jesus wasn't meek and you cannot afford to be so either. How can you think that your life is over when God continues to pump air into your body? How can you even dare to entertain such thoughts if you truly believe that Jesus Christ died for your sins? That fact alone should be the source of all the self-esteem you need.

Mom you have survived poverty, failed relationships, and motherhood. Is middle age that difficult? It could always be worst and it has been worst. You just need to remind yourself that you have seen harder times and did not fail. You are still that feisty, smart, gorgeous Vera Bell. Until you realize that for yourself no one around you will treat you as such. Playing the victim or even entertaining thoughts that you are a victim will weaken you. You are not a victim you are a survivor. You need to act as such. Wisdom is the culmination of knowledge and discipline. Most people know the right thing to do but do not have the discipline to do it. A wise person has the strength and self-control to deny themselves certain things because it will pay off in the end.

After all of the nonsense that you went through with the NYSDOC your house is one of the only things you have to show for it. You are in the right region for you. Any area is what you make it. You cannot chase after your kids. You did a wonderful job as a mother. Now all you can do is sit back and see if your children will correctly utilize the lessons you have taught us. You have sacrificed already. Think about how you always took us to cultural events, how you have played a major role in your grandchildren lives, and how you have encouraged education and our dreams.

So I am not going to offer any advice because people rarely listen to it. All I ask is that you remember all of these things and know that your current situation is just a lull. Good things come to people that wait. But waiting is more active than most people know. While you are waiting you need to be preparing yourself mentally for what is to come. It is a new year and you have to take an HONEST assessment of your life and what part you played in it. No more pointing fingers and blaming others. You need to figure out who you are, but more importantly who you want to be and how you plan on getting there. If you cannot do this whatever problems you have will follow you wherever you go. So thanks Mom for ensiling in me pride, laughter, intelligence, and charisma.

Vera Richardson is the author of “A Case of Racial Discrimination and Retaliation Real or Imagined.”

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